The perfect girlfriend

Read another funny article in Times of India: Perfect girlfriend has a big sex drive!

Not very insightful, i thought at first.  Dont we all know that already?  In fact guys are like dogs in that matter.  Women need the right ambiance, mood and reason to have sex.  Men just need a partner, and then they are ready to go.  Anytime.  Any place.

But reading further i was really amused by the kind of things listed by the 3000 bachelors who were polled for the study. There are a lot of interesting contraditions like
- thin, but able to eat a big meal
- career minded, but should want to stay at home and raise kids
etc.  But the funniest thing is this whole study itself is a contradiction to how men are.

Women get really pissed upon reading stuff like this, but they should understand that men just fantasize about this kinda shit.  Usually they are more than willing to settle for anything female that puts out, but doesn't bark, neigh or moo.

(Women are really really choosy about their mates, but many of them often end up with such amazing samples amongst us males, that they end up wishing for something that could bark, neigh or moo.  C'est la vie...)

Coming back to the article, I dont agree with some of the polled results:
- ability to eat a big meal (guys, how does that matter?)
- be ready to go out in ten mins (let her take her time, she's decking up for you, and you get some quality tv time while waiting)
- long hair (have you ever read any story in playboy/penthouse focussing solely on the long hair???)
- pert bottom (shouldn't that be expanded to "well endowed, good figure")

Yeah, there is some good shit there too, but thats all okay for flings.  I usually advise more caution while marrying.  Thats long term committment.  I would look for additional stuff like:
- an awesome inheritance
- 3 slutty sisters (you'd ask why only 3, but i just dont wanna be greedy)
- super deep sleep (she shouldn't wake up even if i was jumping around in bed beside her, with/without someone)
- an absolutely innocent and trusting mind
- speciality in massage therapy
- interest in bedtime experimentation (sometimes even inviting one of the slutty sisters)
- cocktail mixing and chakna making skills

There, you have the recipe for a good, long lasting marriage.

9 more signs your partner wants a break up

I came across this article 5 signs your partner wants a break up and thought hey, this list could be endless!  So i sat and came up with these 9 signs for women that their boyfriend wants to breakup.  Please note that i've never had any boyfriends, nor have they ever broken off with me.

So ladies, you might get the hint that your boyfriend wants a break up when:


1. You wear a skimpy sexy outfit for him and he wants to play count the stretch marks

2. He spends an hour in the loo with his laptop and a hand cream, comes out with a satisfied smile on his face, and promptly goes off to sleep

3. He talks in graphic detail about the most satisfactory dump he just had....in the middle of you seducing him

4. He takes you to bangkok for a business trip, plonks you in a hotel, disappears everyday and returns exhausted, smelling of different massage oils and soaps

5. You cuddle up and ask him what future he sees for them, and he immediately launches into a detailed analysis of The Terminator and The Matrix series

6. When you hint that you are ovulating, he promptly rents movies like The Omen, Problem Child, The Bad Seed, Kids, Carrie and The Other

Its definitely over when:

7. While on a vacation, he calls for room service and lovingly pats the male waiters rear while giving him a tip, muttering something like "hmmm...juicy!"

But you know you are in serious trouble when:

8. He tries to convince you into going deep sea diving with him, despite knowing that you cant swim, saying forty feet of water never hurt anyone

or

9. When he plans an ocean cruise with you and the next day you find a little black doll with your name written on it submerged in a jar of water hidden deep inside his closet

I'm sure you guys can contribute many more!
:-)

Shagged by a rare parrot

My friend Ashish sent me this video and i just had to put it up here.  Thanks boozy!

This is a true incident which happened on the BBC Television series "Last Chance to See".  Excerpts from the Wikipedia article on this:

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Sirocco is a Kākāpō, a large nocturnal parrot, and one of the few remaining Kākāpō in the world. He achieved individual fame following an incident on the BBC television series Last Chance to See in which he attempted to mate with zoologist Mark Carwardine. Subsequent featuring of the incident on television channels around the world and onYouTube resulted in Sirocco becoming internationally known. 


In 2009, zoologist Mark Carwardine and television presenter Stephen Fry visited Codfish Island as part of a series for theLast Chance to See, focussing on endangered species around the world. While they were filming Sirocco, the bird hopped onto Carwardine's head and attempted to mate with him. The scene itself, and Fry's commentary "This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. You're being shagged by a rare parrot", proved an instant television hit, being featured on news items around the world.


A video of the incident was uploaded to YouTube, where it received more than 700,000 views in one week. A year on, more than 2 million people had viewed the clip. Sirocco's Facebook page and Twitter account, set up after the screening, instantly attracted thousands of followers.

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The video is fantastic, a must see!




The thing that struck me as funniest in the video is the way the parrot was flapping his wings vigorously while doing it, smacking his mate really hard on both sides of the face in rhythm with his other actions.  Probably in the parrot world this might be romantic: yo ma hen *smack* who's your *smack* parrot-daddy now? *smack* c'mon say *smack* ma name *smack* baby say *smack* ma name *smack*!

I wonder how our women would take to this kind of treatment during sex.  They'll probably bobbittify us.

Hairy Plotter

A few days back i suddenly noticed something strange on my left arm.  One single hair had somehow grown longer than the others and was now approx 4 times the average length of its peer group.  I was instantly mesmerized.  Wow.

I started wondering about what could have made this dude get more nourishment than the other fellas surrounding it.  Was it simply a freak of nature?  Or had it effectively scared the others into passing on stuff?  Like how in prison the non-maggot-infested pieces of meat find their way to the don-in-residence?

It looked beautiful...dark silky smooth and slender...like halle berry.  But wait, it stood proudly erect, demanding a more masculine comparison...so...Oprah?  Anyways, as i caressed him lovingly it struck me that surely there was money in this somewhere!  Wasn't this like a sign from heaven signalling that my hardships had come to an end?  I mean, with the right care, Iqbal (u can see i'm getting really attached here) could just go on growing to humongous proportions.  Surely the media would catch on at some time!  Isn't everything "viral" these days?

I could be on talk shows and advertisements!
I could charge to just flick it out (still talking about the hair) for a few seconds to an eager audience!
The Sardar community would felicitate me in a function where Hard Kaur would perform!
I could become the new brand ambassador for Parachute hair oil!
Maybe (hair) follicle would become the new f-word!
If i just let it hang out of my sleeve, it would be an instant chick magnet!

Maybe millions for the rights to a movie starring Hugh Jackman!  Yeah sure, the dimensions of his arm and mine are a little different, but hey, if Sameera Reddy can appear busty on screen....

But then a few worries hit me.  Would storage be a problem?  Would it flow on in a glorious straight line, or would it curl up on itself and resemble one giant pube?  Would it start turning grey like most of the hair on my head?

So i shampoo'd, conditioned, oiled and combed him thrice a day, and started practising my autograph.  But when i woke up today, he was gone.  I haven't even been able to find him anywhere on the bed.  Everything is looking so bleak now.  Its like a huge cavity has suddenly opened up inside me.  I stand in front of the mirror shirtless, looking at my now pathetic arm, wondering how i'll pick up the pieces.  But hey whats this?  Is the areola around my left nipple turning heart shaped???  Yes it is!  Fuckkin A!!!  Hollywood, here i come!

How snoring can be sexy

My brother is visiting for a few days for diwali, and it happens that i have been sleeping in the same room as him for the last couple of nights.  Now when he snores, its like a concrete drill going off beside your head.  I'm not kidding.  In fact all those construction people who find night time too peaceful for sleep after a hard day at the site, would sleep snugly in his embrace.

That by itself would be okay.  I'm sure i would be less affected by a monotonous sound after a while.  But bro's main feature is the sudden explosive snort he lets out every few minutes or so.  Maybe a little bit of air keeps getting trapped in his nostrils during every snore, creating a high pressure zone which then explodes at some tipping point.  I jumped up and wildly looked around the first few times this happened.  There were ripples in the water in my bedside glass, like in jurassic park...

But this is not what this post is all about.  The funny thing is what this did to my mind later in the night.

A large part of the first night i dreamt of being chased all around pune by a drunk rhinocerous.  Seriously.  He kept making this harsh drilling sound with his teeth and snorted hard whenever he almost managed to get me by the pants.  So basically my mind interpreted the surrounding night sounds and recreated the reasonably closest scenario it could remember from nature (or rather from all the hours of watching national geographic).  Now rhinos can be pardoned for making such sounds.  Having to run around pune's narrow lanes with that big ass....and if i had that thing growing on my nose, i'd snort a few times too!

But the next night was completely different.  I dreamt that i bumped into this skanky young woman at a pub, who for some reason wanted me bad.  We had some baked bean tacos and some beer and then headed home.  She opened her purse and showed me this giant naughty battery operated toy she carried around (which featured in that yash chopra flick 'dildo pagal hai') and i immediately understood this was gonna be a super night!

What happened after that is not relevant in this post.

So if i get it right, this time my brain had had time to adapt, pitied me, understood my need for some happy-time, and essentially converted this unfavorable sound stimuli into....er.....a loud vibrator pitching in for a threesome!  Now isn't that just awesome!  Screw dogs, i think the brain is mans best friend!!!

Some of you might think that the explosive snorts were probably explained by the result of all those baked beans....but i would appreciate if you old farts don't point that out to me.

Gotta go now, he is just about to sleep.  I have to be in dreamland by the time the water in my glass starts rippling.

Tamil Thunder

3 favorite tamil songs here. I love the absolutely upbeat music and their dancing is so bloody enthu and fun to watch! Great for dancing in parties when you are a few pegs down. You can basically do anything with your body, and as long as you are moving with the beat, you are probably doing it perfectly right!

I know "aa aante" is a telegu song, but they have a tamil version as well, and I for sure cant make out the difference. And it was easier naming the post 'tamil thunder' rather than think of something to go with 'south indian'... :-)

Spiderman Chronicles

Three fantastic desi spiderman videos for your pleasure!  Buffer up and watch the first two videos completely.  The fight sequence in the 2nd one is hilarious.  You can just see the first 30 seconds of the 3rd video to get the drift.

Pu La

Dunno why, but reading "Stick to Drawing Comics...." brings to mind another favorite writer (whom, to be honest, i consider in a league above scott), P.L.Deshpande, a marathi humourist known to millions of loving fans simply as Pu La.  His stories are filled with the trials and tribulations of lower middle class working communities, yet will beat the shit out of these myriad "comedy shows" dominating our tv channels. 

Actually my marathi reading speed is quite bad, so i listen to Pu La instead.  For a long time now, we've had these few audio cassettes of his stage readings.  Even though i now have his complete mp3 collection on my pc, its those cassettes which bring back fond childhood memories.  There's been a tradition in my home, whenever anyone falls ill we play the Pu La cassettes...and we feel better, immediately transported to a better place.

My fav ones are:

• Asa Mi Asami
• Antu Barwa
• Hari Tatya
• Mhais
• Sakharam Gatne
• Rao Saheb
• Paliv Prani
• Mi Ani Majha Shatrupaksha
• Batatyachi Chaal

He passed away in June 2000 after a full life of 81 years, but maybe the world would be a much better place if it was possible for such people to live on...

He was also an accomplished actor, music composer, singer and orator, but we all remember him most for his simple unpretentious comedy.  And i guess we all love him so much because he teaches us to laugh at all the ups and downs of a middle class life that we immediately recognize as our own.


A beautiful thing, this humour...
:-)

Great Scott!

A few weeks back i made a great discovery.  While browsing through books at a second-hand book stall, i chanced upon a book by Scott Adams, titled 'Stick to Drawing Comics, Monkey Brain!: Cartoonist Ignores Helpful Advice'.  Now I've been a fan of the Dilbert comics, and hence of this great cartoonist for quite a while now, yet i'd never heard of this book ever.  I regularly visit book stores, often read up on my fav writers, etc, but had not come across a non-dilbert work by Adams yet, and was instantly intrigued.

It is an amazing collection of 1-2 page long essays and blog entries; essentially his views on anything and everything, from cloning, to the sexes, dancing less like a dork and terrorism.  Bite-sized pieces of humour, with an insight or two lurking below the surface here and there.  I am a worshiper of the fine art of sarcasm (as my wife, bro and close friends will enthusiastically confirm), and this dude is a high priest.  Add to that a wild and volatile imagination, and you've got a lot of fun coming your way.  Mind you, very few of the passages are 'haha' funny...most of the stuff is thoughtful, yet it'll bring a smile on your face.

I guess i was most blown away by the fact that the bugger sees humour in everything!  He makes even the most mundane of daily observations seem wickedly funny.  I mean, as i read i kept thinking, don't we all see these very things all around us?  Yet most of us manage to focus solely on newspapers full of depressing headlines and all the shit seemingly surrounding our buggered lives. 

What a find.  Serendipity!

Drinkin in the Rain...

"Its drizzling, there's an amazing breeze, and i can see lots of boats out on the lake behind my house.  I'm standing in the balcony with mild spray on my face and a large of neat Chivas in my hand.  Couldn't get better!"

I just put up this FB update.  One peg and i was content typing on my phone.  Two, and i just had to switch on my laptop.  haha  :-)

What a combo....rains and booze....must have been one of the Eureka moments for God, like the time he invented boobs.  Well that one was on the top of the list anyways, dunno why he had to go on and make moobs!   @*&%#$...

I guess i've always had a soft spot for the rains, like I've said before.  But all that's multiplied when you gimme a drink when its pouring.  Aaaaaaah!  Sorry for the inappropriate sound, but the feeling is indeed, semi-orgasmic.

I guess its because of my earliest drinking memories.  I started drinking very late, was in my TY then (i know...its embarrassing), in july 1999 to be precise (thats more than a decade ago....FK i'm old!).  A couple of good buddies and i used to sit in The Den in Santacruz west.  It was a dingy old place, practically empty till around 7pm, when all the depressed uncles used to start walking in, to sit alone and down a quarter or two before heading back to life.

We used to reach by lunch time.  :-)  The place had an antique juke-box in a corner, which played old Rafi and Kishore blues, 2 songs to a rupee.  Those were days when money was really really scarce and it was great to have a juke-box that was 10x cheaper than the other places.  The super-eccentric parsi owner used to pass his time kicking his pet Pomeranian under the table and screaming mother-sister expletives at the lone waiter. 

But still, it was the most amazing place.  I've gone there with lots of great pals (soham, vaibhav, my bro, shabrya, ashish, shadab).  We used to sit for 6-8 hours at a stretch lining up bottles, cocooned safely inside while the mumbai rains thundered down outside.  Those conversations, carefree innocent passionate, just cannot be brought back now.  An age gone by.  Sad.

Since then, June-Sept has always been Whiskey time!  Whether on a trek, or at Lonavala in a car filled with half naked rowdies, drenched to the core or watching the showers in some cosy shelter trying not to shiver because of the chill.....that golden liquid has warmed up our insides like only a good drink can.  Sure, the brands have changed over time.  I now heartily recommend Laphroaig Single Malt to anyone who cares to listen.

The only prob is, its all been too tame, the last few years.  Now that i've managed to get out of the soul sucking corporate rigmarole, its time to do something different.  Sure, i cannot pull off a Gene Kelly (Singin in the Rain - the1952 musical), but I solemnly pledge that the next time it rains heavily, i'm gonna walk around my colony soaking it up and carefree as hell, sipping on a couple of stiff drinks mixed in an empty bisleri bottle, just like the good old college days.

Cheers.

Being boring......rehashed

Enbiem had once put up a lovely poem called Being Boring by Wendy Cope on her blog.  I instantly loved it and the humor she has used, and i forwarded it to all my buddies.  Here's the poem:


Being Boring 
 
If you ask me 'What's new?', I have nothing to say
Except that the garden is growing.
I had a slight cold but it's better today.
I'm content with the way things are going.
Yes, he is the same as he usually is,
Still eating and sleeping and snoring.
I get on with my work. He gets on with his.
I know this is all very boring.


There was drama enough in my turbulent past:
Tears and passion-I've used up a tankful.
No news is good news, and long may it last,
If nothing much happens, I'm thankful.
A happier cabbage you never did see,
My vegetable spirits are soaring.
If you're after excitement, steer well clear of me.
I want to go on being boring.


I don't go to parties. Well, what are they for,
If you don't need to find a new lover?
You drink and you listen and drink a bit more
And you take the next day to recover.
Someone to stay home with was all my desire And,
now that I've found a safe mooring,
I've just one ambition in life: I aspire
To go on and on being boring.


-- Wendy Cope


Now my dear friend Mr.Pawan Arora found the perfect excuse to provoke me and replied to my email with: "Good one but I think you can add on to this."  The fkr knows me too well and that i'd grab the slightest opportunity to do anything other than work.  So i stirred up my noodles a bit and sent him my version of the poem.


Now to really get this poem, i'll have to introduce u to its two main characters: 


Pawan (toinng) Arora is a man in his 4th or 5th decade.  His seniority (in age and designation) oozes out of the tone and body language he uses with us junior folk.  Otherwise he's just a great guy....who has an ability to knock ones wind out with a well timed razor sharp one-liner.  But during the last year this dude has lost a lot of his old cheerful nature and has become more and more serious every day.   


Manjrekar is a friend who works in a competing organization, a kid just out of college, typically cocky (!) and smart mouthed.  He peaked the popularity charts at work because 'somebody' made up the story that he was regularly 'servicing' his boss when out on meetings in his car.  You know how impossible it is to let something like this go!  There was a whole slew of manjrekar jokes involving car seats, inconvenient steering wheels, flossing, chocobars, etc etc etc.  You got the picture right?


Well here goes....


Our Toinng Arora is a nice old man
His abilities noone can question
But lately he seems to be bogged down by
Work pressure and traffic congestion


He rarely replies to mails sent by
Old buddies who love him so much
The intimacy seems to have worn off a li'l
Now that we are not physically in touch


Wake up dear friend, goof around a bit
Get out and get wet when its pouring
You're surrounded by so many silly idiots
There's no reason to go on being boring


Look at Manjrekar, a fine young fella
With mischief written on his visage
He's on for a joke or a quip or a poke
Or even for a naughty little massage


He's eager for action and also adventure
He keeps lookin for things more exciting
But God knows why he picked an activity where
He can add to the thrill just by biting
 
It will help his career (at the cost of his rear)
And surely this cant be called whoring
As long he has a boss and that boss has a car
His life will never be boring
:-)


- Vivek Rao

Show them to me....

Please take the time to pause the video, buffer up and watch it at one go.  The lyrics are amazing.  I completely subscribe to this method of fighting all the hatred in this world.  Rodney Carrington is a freakin genius!!! 

White house gate-crash

It gave me a lot of pleasure to read about the couple who gate-crashed the state dinner for our dear PM at the White House last week.  I cant help admiring the balls these two had to actually breeze through the layers of 'security' and mingle with biggies like the US Vice-P and the White House Chief of Staff.  The US security chiefs are repeatedly stating that Obama was not in danger at any time, but any of these two could have stuck a fork down his throat if they wanted to.

I am so tired of the millions of hollywood movies that portray all types of US security forces (CIA, FBI, Secret Service, Marines and whatnot) as the super-efficient and uber-cool tough men in designer suits and shades, running around, saving the world.  The superiority complex is of gigantic proportions.

But now the Salahi's have dented that image in such a nice way!  I was laughing all the time i read the news on different sites.  The Secret Service, responsible for protecting the US Prez, must be going bonkers, having urgent delta level secret meetings somehow trying to tide over this embarrassment.  hahaha

Can imagine some smart-ass senior giving a smart-ass speech: "Officers, we have had a security breach level 21.  Code RG054 (thats Roger-Gamma-Zero-Five-Four) has been violated.  Deploy 80 sections of our top commando's to further secure the White House perimeter.  Get all top agents to drop all cases and focus on the Salahi's.  We must establish their links with the Al Qaeda or the Hizbul.  America cannot be compromised.  This is the day we have been trained for.  We cannot let the world think that America can be breached or can be made fun of.  Gentlemen, we will prevail."   Loohoosers!!!!!

:-)    :-)    :-)

Oh brother...!

My good friend Ashish (Boozy) has been lamenting about his status amongst girls as a "brother"....he has in fact let the tears flow quite freely on his blog.  Now this is a situation that many many guys would find quite familiar, probably bringing to the surface some long smothered memory of a dream crushed by an untimely rakhi... 

Females.  This is nothing but another weapon in their hands to control us.  They have boobs!  I mean, isn't that enough?  What do we counter that with?  A beer belly?  Talk about fighting fair...grrrr.....

Having said that (and i dont lose any chance to say female bashing stuff - what else can a middle aged short fat chap do for kicks eh?) i do feel Ashish is missing the woods for the trees.  He is grabbing the wrong end of the tissue roll.  I mean, how can he fail to see that this 'situation' is in fact pregnant with wonderous possibilities.  Allow me to elaborate...

My first girl friend used to think i was pure brother material...and then we dated for a couple of years.  My second girlfriend used to think i was pure brother material...and then i dated her for 3.5 years...and after that i've been married to her for 5 years.  I could rest my case here, but would like to drive home the point by way of a theory that can best be explained in 2 parts:

1. Girls are really fond of their fathers and brothers; and they can be quite bitchy about their mothers and sisters.  Hence it is a good beginning to be called brother material.  It gets even better when you can move up to father material, because then you can
(a) actually say stuff like, "who's your daddy??" when doing interesting stuff, and then
(b) become a daddy


2.  When a girl calls you 'brother material', it is her way of telling you that she likes you, she is comfortable with you and thinks you are special.  And yet there is no way she's gonna admit to herself that she has actually managed to miss out on all the studs and fall for...well...you.  Here's how her mind works: "HIM???  What the hell, no way!  Then why do i feel so nice when i'm with him?  Oh yes!  He's my brother!!!".


This is the time for you to strike and make hay brother, for the iron is hot and the sun is shining! 


So if you are in a situation where a girl is having long, meaningful conversations with you, there is an exchange of witty, sarcastic banter and healthy insults, an interest in each others life, and a warm feeling in the heart and other regions upon seeing each other, it is probable that this situation will quickly end in 2 ways: 1st - "Strip!  Now!!, or 2nd - "you are like a brother to me".  Remember, that you can change your destiny from the 2nd to the 1st.


Anybody who felt hurt because of any of the above (the same ones who take mc / bc seriously), chew on this:
All of us in this country have grown up saying "all Indians are my brothers and sisters" every morning, and yet we have the 2nd largest population in the world.

Farting away to glory!

I happened to chance upon a really great blog by a guy called chronicwriter.  He has put up some really funny stuff.  He has written one post about farting and i just had to share it with you guys.  I loved the pic of George Bush and Colin Powell and also the names he has coined for various types of farts.  Check it out:
http://www.chronicwriter.com/2009/10/363-letting-it-go.html

It is indeed funny how we find the act of farting so embarrassing despite knowing that each and every person around us have also been farting all their lives.  Even the bloody topic is so taboo.  All this when it is one of the most natural acts in the world.  And not that we can help it.  When it has to come, it just has to come!  Wouldn't it be great if we could all stop getting so conscious and treat it like something as normal as, say, a hand gesture....  Imagine office meetings punctuated by people bending to one side in their chairs and letting it rip.  hahaha

In this stressful world, maybe it would even be therapeutic if we could learn to relax our buttocks and actually enjoy the act.  This could be a great way to let off some steam!

One of my friends in school had a nasty habit of holding out his hand and asking any nearby person to tug on his outstretched finger, and then letting go.  The person holding his finger would end up feeling so violated and would have to wash his hand a few times atleast!   :-)

Check out this clip, supposedly from a thermal imaging camera at some airport (dunno if it is authentic, but it sure fun to watch):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUHvpszbilc

And completely besides the topic, check out this one too, quite nice:
http://www.chronicwriter.com/2009/10/365-blogging-for-beginners.html

Glorious monday morning!

I see so many grumpy faces in office today morning....and just because its today morning!  Are you feeling the monday blues too?  Why???

Its a  beautiful monday morning and there is loads and loads of work to be done!  Dont you feel the excitement of a full days work schedule surging through your veins?  Doesn't it add meaning to life?  Doesn't it make every rupee lying in your bank account seem sweeter, cause you have really earned it?

Breathe in deeply and let the challenges of a glorious monday morning give you a high that no single malt can.  Walk up to your boss and demand tighter deadlines, tougher tasks and complex deliverables, cause you can do it today.  Repeat to yourself that you can do it today!  Slap yourself tight in the face and let the sting remind you to be grateful that you have a cushy office job and a good home to go back to.

Just think... for the next 5 days you dont need to waste time, just lying around watching tv....you can instead:
- look forward to waking up nice and early after just 5 hours of sleep
- look forward to the restful hours of commute where you get a chance to rub shoulders (and several unmentionable parts) with your fellow countrymen
- look forward to toiling till late in the evening, excercising your grey cells, pushing back your thinning grey hair
- look forward to 5 days of energetic activities like
.......intellectual masturbation to cook up crappy ideas
.......desperate class participation to liven up dreary meetings
.......healthy bouts of back stabbing with colleagues
.......self-respect-crushing directives to juniors
.......and to top it all, some delicious ass licking of customers, seniors and influential secretaries!

So i say, cheer up, cause its a glorious monday morning!

Morning Beep

Some time back, a friend of mine had got into a habit of forwarding heavy philosophical messages by shri shri ravi shankar. Now, i feel the last thing we need in our already stressed out life, is more serious stuff to read. Instead people should forward jokes, even sad pj's; anything that could bring a smile to the readers face. Anything to give a them tiny break in all the shit thats going on through their day.

So on a whim i started sending morning sms's to some of my closest friends. I titled each message "Morning Beep" and signed off as "shri shri vivek rao". It wasn't really planned or anything; just thought i'd send any crap that came to my mind as long as it was not serious. So i msgd stupid advice, exaggerated comparisons, sexist comments, etc etc, and soon was really enjoying the activity; every morning it occupied my mind while on my way to work, and gave release to some pent up creativity - with mixed results. Basically, i generally got to goof around a lot, writing arbit stuff!

Some of my friends started responding. People would come up and say stuff like "yesterdays was really nice yaar, but todays was crap!". On days when i didn't send a beep, i'd get messages and calls askin what the fuck was wrong with my lazy arse. I started feeling as if i was suddenly in touch with a lot of these buddies, all of whom are otherwise tied up with their own stuff. Really started looking forward to this morning exchange of messages.

And then one day one of my pals wrote back something nasty about these messages, and the resulting argument took away all the enthu. I guess i completely overreacted, as always. A few days later i got completely busy in shifting to pune. Later tried a couple of times to start messaging again, but somehow just couldn't get back to it. Feel really sad about that. It might have been a silly activity but i had fun while it lasted.

Give below are most of these beeps. You have to remember that these r not supposed to be read all bunched up together, but one in every couple of days or so, while squashed in a crowded train or bouncing around in a rick; perspective changes everything! :-)

"Morning beep: Everybody is short, on some dimension or the other, and the totals all add up to the same. Hence it is better to be tall on the inside than on the outside.
- shri shri vivek rao"
(my height - or lack of it - has always been a favorite topic for friends, and this was a comeback)

"Morning beep: The rains playing truant shows that even Gods can be mischevious. Have we become too serious in life? If u want to live long and healthy, awaken ur naughty self; pull down ur neighbours panties today.
- shri shri vivek rao"

"Morning beep: Troubled by teenage trends, parents are asking: is sex the answer to everything? They dont understand that sex is the question; Yes! is the answer. Be positive, always say yes.
- shri shri vivek rao"

"Morning beep: A bird in hand...can be quite detrimental while wanking. Do one thing at a time. Focus on the task at hand. Distractions of any kind may lead to inefficiency...or in this case, a badly pecked peepee.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Homosexuality is a complete win-win. If guys run after other guys, that leaves more girls for the rest of us. And if girls start falling in love with other girls, that creates Lesbians!!! (nothing is hotter than that, right?). Support same-sex jingbangs.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Care for animals. Stroke your monkey tonight.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: A friend of mine recently got circumcised. Now instead of a bunch of wrinkles, he sees a happy face grinning up at him a few times a day. Maybe thats what we all need in this stressful world; more happy faces around.
- ssvr"
(this is a true story)

My friend Bansi couldn't contain himself and responded:
"Morning pee - A sex maniac sees the best of everything in life. Be it lack of rains, homosexuality, teenage sex issues, problems in multi tasking, circumcision, lack of animal love & ofcourse having an inch where the world has a foot. Be a sex maniac, solve all your problems today.
- Baba Bansi Deo."

"Morning beep: A weird thing happened to me. Yesterday i woke up in mumbai, but today i woke up in pune. There's a very important lesson to be learned here, for life. If you travel, there's a good chance that you will wake up elsewhere.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Shakespeare sd, the worlds a stage & we r all actors. My dear frnd dd wud want to say, the world is 1 big market and we r all speculators. S'peare also sd, to do or not to do, that is the question. Dd eats and craps acc to his to-do list. Point being, even a middle-aged, gujju, stoke-market addict can have the makings of a bard in him. So dont judge people.
- ssvr"
(you have to really know dd to get this one...)

"Morning beep: Relations are so damn confusing in India. I mean, this is a country which preaches incest!! Millions of kids grow up saying 'all indians r my brothers & sisters' every day in school. Now which ones do we screw? And we r a bloody horny race. Now u know why raksha bandhan is so imp here. It is a 'pls dont do me, bro' appeal.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Its pouring hard & i'm in a rick, getting badly splashed on by passing bikes & cars. A year back i wud hav been so frustrated & angry as i'm on my way to a meeting. But strangely, now i'm able to laugh at this shit and have a good time! If u can change ur response u can change the situation itself.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Nuclear families shd take care while planning a 2nd kid. Having the 1st one in the bdroom is nt very good for sex! I guess either u have a quickie on the floor or rush home for an hour in the aftnoon when the kid is in daycare. Else u end up raising a severely disturbed child, who has witnessed too much...too soon.
- ssvr"

Bansi responded:
"Evening pee - Nuclear family, joint family with/without kids are only reasons to justify having or not having sex. It is scientifically proven that while women need ocassions to have sex, men just need a place. Let there be no further delay, explore your kitchen and bathroom today.
- Baba bansi deo"

"Morning beep: Women r power hungry animals. But God has made up for that by giving them very low intellect & grasping power. Hence, smart men shd giv their mate an illusion of power, (eg: by letting them buy the stupid pink curtains) while quietly running the show in the background. Yet, frm time to time butt-slap them hard to remind them who's their daddy.
- ssvr"
(got lots of responses for this one: enthu ones from guys, hate ones from gals!)

"Morning beep: Baba bansi deo is right, women cant be united. In fact women r most viciously cruel & vengeful with each other, while men can forget fights simply by drinking beer & burping together. Lesbians r just abberations created to give men something better to fantasize about (logic: 4 boobs r better than 2).
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: The key to true success lies in a loving, happy family. Targets, promotions, job profiles, pay hikes, are all secondary. Please dont let anyone convince u otherwise.
- ssvr"
(i broke my own rule about not allowing serious stuff)

"Morning beep: Rickshaw wala's in any city:
1. like to live on the edge
2. want to play racing racing with other rickshaw's
3. have a physical inability of spotting potholes and speed bumps in time
4. seem to have tie ups with spondylitis clinics on a pay-per-damaged-vertebra basis
Smoke & drink but dont rick-it if u want to live longer.
- ssvr"
(its true; i have cervical spondylitis and rickshaw rides negate every medicine i take)

"Morning beep: The true measure of a mans worth is his beer-belly. The more rounded, bouncy and jiggly his belly, the more loving, warm, honest, caring, good natured, good humoured and wise he is bound to be. Man-breasts are a bonus, a sure sign of a virile and exciting partner. Women shd avoid guys with flat abs as they r vile, dishonest bastrds...and probably impotent.
- ssvr"
(i'm proud of my curves!)

"Morning beep:
It is a beautiful day, Well i have nothing to say
And it is my belief, I hear a sigh of relief
For no stupid word play, Will invade ur senses today
But dont look too happy, Or i'll send smthing crappy!
So lets just keep it this way, For every beautiful day.
- @$vr"
(had written this immediately after that argument with my friend; had decided then that there'll be no more)

"Morning beep: Life is full of change & thats a fact. Change can be quite tough to handle (with all the moving cheese etc). Resist, & u might push away the very change u needed in life. So just embrace it with open heart, but keep spending some on cigarettes & mint, or it'll fatten ur wallet & become a pain in (half) ur arse.
- ssvr"
(this one was a complete failure as most people thought i was writing about actual change management)

"Morning honk: All women marrying BEST drivers...end up with bigger left boobs.
- ssvr"
(hehehe...felt like taking a survey in the BEST colony after sending this one)

"Morning beep: I've always heard of stuff like 'brain is mightier than brawn' or 'the pen is mightier than the sword'. Who would have thought that pigs would be the mightiest of all... Come to think of it, men might have reached the moon, but swine flew.
- ssvr"
(this was just after i shifted to pune and the whole swine flu scare started; the use of 'flew' for 'flu' was borrowed from a fwd)

"Morning beep: If ur rickshaw wala today: agreed to go where u wanted, took u there with only a few minor shaves with death, and (gasp!) asked only for the metered amount, give him a kiss from me. Such nice fellows dont exist in pune.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: If u think life really sucks, imagine u are getting the blow of a lifetime and say YIPPEE!
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Beer and boobies...the only proof we'll every need that God exists.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Why is it so tiring to make new friends when u r all grown up? Was so easy when we were kids. School friendships r probably the strongest bec they r the most innocent. At work its all abt give & take, positioning & politics. And if u r lucky enough to find genuine frnds at work, u'll fkin probably get transferred somewhere else. Life....
- ssvr"
(was really missing my mumbai office gang)

And that was the end of the morning beeps.

This has already been a frikkin long post; i wish i could also put up all the amazing, and often witty, responses i got.

Pune ahoy!

A couple of months back and completely out of the blue, came instructions from my bosses that I was being transferred to pune to acquire SME clients in pune, nasik and aurangabad. Logically it seemed like an okay thing to do (not that I had much choice in the matter) and hence we packed up all our stuff and shipped our arses to the city of two-wheelers.

We've been here for almost four weeks now, and I'm missing mumbai sorely. Everything seems different here, alien in some way. Thats quite surprising since its not as if its in a different part of the country where there would be a cultural shift. Pune is a fking 4 hour drive from mumbai, and i'm anyways no stranger to this place at all. All through my childhood I've spent a decent chunk of my holidays here visiting an odd assortment of uncles and aunts and cousins. And then over the last few years, there've been these numerous visits to my in-laws, especially during the time that my wife was expecting. I guess we react quite differently to places when we are just visiting. Was suddenly reminded of an old song, one of my favourites from Sting:

I dont take coffee I take tea my dear
I like my toast done on one side
And you can hear it in my accent when I talk
I'm an englishman in new york

See me walking down fifth avenue
A walking cane here at my side
I take it everywhere I walk
I'm an englishman in new york

I'm an alien I'm a legal alien
I'm an englishman in new york


Over the last few days as it has slowly started to sink in that I've actually left mumbai, the city of my life, and come here for a few years (hopefully not more), i've begun to compare everything. Mostly i'm amused at the idiosyncrasies here, and try not to get irritated. Let me just list some funny stuff:

- the locals here are bloody rude most of the time

- a huge proportion of restaurants and shops open after 10:30 am

- many shops still shut down for a few hours in the afternoon

- shopping malls start their air conditioning only during evenings on weekdays and a few extra hours on weekends; the staff greet you with glistening faces and clothes sticking to their bodies, but you dont notice as you start feeling suffocated within 15 mins...

- there are no taxies anywhere

- the rickshawala's will always always always ask for extra money

- in many parts of the city there is no concept of home delivery

- the famous "puneri patya" - oversmart, arrogant and hilarious - are everywhere

- bikers remain in the leftmost lane till the last minute for a right u-turn and vice versa

- people comfortably drive on the wrong side of a crowded road if its convenient for them

- every few meters at every possible intersection and break in the divider vehicles from all directions converge to reduce average speeds to sub-20 kmph and create one of the most inefficient traffic scenes in this side of the world

- maids, shop keepers, rickshawala's, drivers, etc, glare (and sometimes shout) at you when asked to do a little bit extra; they will coolly let go of opportunities to earn something extra if it: interferes with their chillax time / they are not in the mood / the way you ask them touches their over-sensitive ego / you appear shocked at their exorbitant quote / etc etc.....

- it is very common to see a girl in the drivers seat of a 2 wheeler with the guy sitting pillion

- it is also very common (and very very disturbing) to see large-sized, rough-looking bearded men riding a scooty or an activa

- the girls all ride with 95% of their faces covered with scarves or dupattas so that a hyper-mumbaikar like me constantly expects one of them to whip out an AK47 from an innocent looking purse

- thrice i have seen a biker stop IN THE MIDDLE LANE of a busy road to answer his mobile and then slowly, taking his own sweet time move to the side while yakking away, head tilted 90 degrees to hold the phone

Shit, what a list! Proved again that I crib a lot. :-) But all said and done, the weather is really good here. A pleasant break from the hot and humid mumbai; and since i dont exercise at all, my sweat-pores are really on a break. The girls are quite pretty too, especially the konkanastha brahmin babes (shivaji park types). Also seems like their dressing sense has improved by miles from what i remember; spotted a few bare shoulders and belly buttons; not much of arse-cleavage though, i guess low waist jeans are yet only to be seen at Mithibai, HR, Xaviers and the like.

And its a more relaxed city, perhaps just what i need. Take time out to see the birds and sniff the flowers and shit like that, you know... Other guys who've shifted from mumbai to pune say that the initial comparisons are akin to withdrawal symptoms, and that once i've been here for a year, it will be almost impossible to go back.

Fuck.

Rain....

....And so the rains arrive. Here's to 3 months of sludge and grime, wet undies and squelchy socks, hot coffee with pakoras or neat pegs of lovely dark rum. 3 months of irritating, but hopelessly romantic weather....

I had msgd the above text to my friends last June after the first showers of that year. Today, a desperate mumbai got teasingly wet after a maddening summer, and i felt like saying those words all over again.

This season has always been special to me and my bro. There is something about this time that somehow manages to heighten every mood and bring back seemingly forgotten memories. At times, watching the rain from my window, i have moved from exuberance to melancholy in a matter of hours! Men are generally not used to such mood swings....at any time of the month. :-D

After i broke off with my first girlfriend, the loneliness used to hit me hardest during the rains. And then when i fell in love again, these times would be the dreamiest. I have no doubt that the rains bring out the romantic in everyone. It is amazing to see the increased number of couples lined up at marine drive, worli seaface, bandstand, bandra reclamation, etc, taking advantage of these rare oases of privacy and laying the foundations for our continuing population explosion.

The rainy season is at its worst when you have to travel to work in complete formal attire while it is pouring cats and dogs. Its a miserable bunch of people in every office on such days. But the same showers seem wonderful on weekends and on days declared holidays due to flooded train lines! There is lots of amazing stuff to do:
- Playing soccer in ankle deep muck (great fun!)
- Cuddling up with someone special (my dear friend Vaibhav, a compulsive cuddler, is at his prime in these times, says his wife)
- Getting cozy in a warm blanket with a steaming cup of coffee and a juicy novel (i used to do this with my bro when we were kids; purely platonic, i must add)
- Long drinking sessions with close buddies (best times)
- Rainy treks in the Sahyadris
etc etc

I've trekked a lot in the rains, in my slimmer days, to places like Peth, Lohagad, Mahuli, Rajmachi, Peb, Bhimashankar, to name just a few. I remember my first trek like it was yesterday. A few of us had joined the St.Xaviers trekking club on a June weekend for a trek to Mahuli, one of the most gruelling one-day treks possible. I had just finished school and was due to start college in a few days. I had zero experience with girls, and the only skin i'd seen was on cheap x-rated video cassettes where we had to struggle to make out the guys from the gals. And then came Mahuli.

There must have been around 120 people on the trek, half of them females. Most of those were decidedly generous, wearing just shorts and white shirts for a bloody monsoon trek. It is impossible to find words for my emotions at the time when the first rains hit that crowd at 5:30 in the morning. My eyes, deprived from the basic necessities for years, couldn't believe the sight of a sea of glistening bra's and thighs. The rest of the trek went by in a delicious daze, probably quite akin to a cocaine hit. God bless all of those ladies.

Anyways, enough said! I wish all who have bothered to read this far, a great rainy season ahead. I pray you dont have to wade through floating turds or get splashed by a passing rickshaw, on your way to office.

Scrambled: Quasi

These are the various moods of Abhijit Rao aka Quasi aka Q aka Gadget Boy aka DaRao aka SPM Singh (only his school friends will get the last one)....

Q is a software dude of the highest order, a brilliant photographer, an absolute geek and probably the laziest, slobbiest, arse i've ever seen (not that i've actually seen his arse, mind you).

At the age of 12 he wrote his first porn story, built a flashing LED display on his bulky spectacles (through which he peered from below neatly oiled and combed good-boy hair), and fell in love (along with most of his friends) with the prettiest girl on campus.

He has a tendency to spend long hours in the loo (perplexing, since his regular twice-a-day "fun feature" usually lasts all of 30 seconds - self admittedly), longer hours in front of the computer and any remaining time stretched out flat on his back, snoring his nose-hair off.

Atleast that was the case till the end of his college years. For the last 4 or 5 years you could find him at all odd hours at the Ruia naka, mingling with guys and chicks half his age (and managing to cross a few bases with some of them! - both sexes). He also developed a major travel bug, and has burned rubber extensively, earlier in my Maruti 800 and his Maruti Esteem, and more recently in my Honda City and his Mahindra 4x4 open Jeep. His writings and photos, including those from his travels, can be seen on his blog and his flickr account. Quite a lot of it is really good stuff.

His geekiness has matured considerably from blowing nose bubbles during school, to accumulating a collection of gadgets that most commerce ch*ts like myself can barely even operate. His stash includes.....

-- many cameras, camera bags, lenses, filters, tripods, related arbit attachments and gizmos

-- more than a dozen torches of various sizes, shapes, twists, makes and strengths (all expensive, mind you),

-- more than a couple of dozen knives of various sizes and attachments

-- a walking stick complete with sliding rods, buttons, special pressure surfaces and grips (somehow serves the same purpose as my grandpa's simple wooden stick)

-- titanium spoon and fork

-- donald duck pen that actually quacks

-- fisher space pen (the kind thats actually used in space; note: Paul C Fisher developed the pressurized refill for NASA in 1965. The combination of tungsten carbide ball point & thixotropic ink in a hermetically sealed cartridge pressurized at nearly 35 pounds per sq. inch allows it to write in freezing cold, boiling heat, underwater and at any angle - even upside down!; reminds me of the age old "american jet propelled pen v/s russian pencil" joke)

-- mustard coloured floaters (brilliant thing about these is they totally fool you; you'd guess they cost around 400 bucks while they actually cost 4000!)

-- water bottle with built-in infra-red gadged to kill germs

....and many many more, believe me!

He has 2 major regrets in life: one is that for the last 4 years he has had a male wife (who is most probably going "sheee, flop!!" while reading this (sorry percy!)). The other is his phone voice; his carefully cultivated ranti looks are ofttimes jeopardised when he answers the phone and friends ask, "aunty, is abhijit there?" :-D

Most would agree that he can be quite a pain sometimes (quasi in an argumentative mood and a charging rhino are equally dangerous), but somewhere below the layers of body hair and grime, he's a really great guy! He has helped me get out of some pretty bad spots and has generally been there whenever i've really needed him. Quasi - my elder brother and one of my best-est friends. :-)