head over heels again

I was sitting at my table working on my laptop when i sensed some motion beside me.  My little daughter, who was sleeping on the bed, was stirring.  She lifted her head to try and look at me, but her eyes were blurry with sleep and her head was nodding and swaying in all directions.  Her cheeks were all puffed up, lips pouting, eyebrows arched up, confused and questioning.  She was looking so very cute, so beyond any description cute, that i just had to get up, lie down beside her, kiss her on her head and pray for her wellbeing.

Once again i felt this fierce tug of love for her in my heart.  Its a different kind of love.  It doesn't compete with the love i feel for my wife.  Or my family or friends or anything for that matter.  It is strong and pure and all-encompassing.  It makes me feel so happy to be around.  To experience it.  And i feel grateful to God for letting me have it.  The experience of being a parent has been so beautiful so far...seems like everything else fades away in comparison.  I know there will be ups and downs as she grows up, but thats cool.  I want to be there for her at every step.  And i want to be fitter and live longer because i want to be there for her for as long as possible.

I hope God grants her a long, full life, and if not, i want Him to give her my share....to experience ordinary stuff and beautiful stuff.....to experience school and college and work and music and dance and colours and nature and falling in love and children and hot coffee and alcohol and ice cream and books and rains and food and friendship...

She has fallen asleep again, and i've fallen for her...again.

Who needs a salary anyways!

A dear friend of mine is serving his notice period, and has his last working day tomorrow.  His current employer is a hi-fi financial services MNC, a very desirable name amongst b-school grads, and the natural questions to ask him would be where he is moving to and what is the jump in annual package.  But probably the only answers he would have to these questions would be a grin and a wink, bec he ain't a-movin', he's a-quittin'!

All around me i see people quitting lucrative hi-speed careers to do something different.  More than a dozen people i myself know well have done it, and all the time i keep hearing / reading about many more.  I did it some 3 months back meself!  :-)

Some are pursuing their hobbies / arts, some just needed a long break (long enough that their annual mandatory 'mandy' leave wouldn't suffice), but most are trying their hand at "dhando".  There seems to be an entrepreneurial wave going around which is not a blip or a temporary craze, but something that looks much more serious and long-lasting. 

I attended an investor conference a few days back and was happy (and a little bit amused, i must admit) to see that 99% of the people filling the hall were CEO's and CTO's of some start-up which was in "stealth-mode" and looking for funding.  I also met some VC friends who said they were looking at 600-700 ideas a year!

Unlke in "the valley" there has never been any kind of a support environment here for technology / internet start-ups.  No infra with regards to start-up funding, advisory, hand-holding, legal framework (in terms of IP), etc.  But i guess that's a chicken & egg situation.  Without much start-up momentum, there is no incentive for that kind of an environment to exist and subsist.  Hopefully that's all set to change now.

There are suddenly numerous "angels" floating around.  Most VC's are also declaring that they "seed-fund" great ideas.  But i was also told by my friends that these same guys are currently nowhere close to putting their money where their mouths are.  Most of the Moolah is still flowing to traditional ideas and established companies looking for that next level of growth. 

What we really need are a few great exit stories....acquisitions or IPO's....and then the real money will start flowing in.  Maybe we also need a few Y Combinator styled incubators to up the momentum. 

In the meanwhile i hope many more people are able to free themselves from the daily corporate drudgery to follow their dreams.  It is best to really live this single life we've been handed out. 

It is risky, but so is:
- learning to cycle
- falling in love
- eating road side pani puri

:-)

Night & Day

Dont worry, i have no intentions of writing about that hideous cruise / diaz movie with a similar name.  I intend to generally ramble on instead.

I have always been a night person.  From the time i can remember.  Right from school days, through college and till very recently, even while working, i've always found it incredibly difficult to wake up early in the morning.  I remember kneeling down so often in the main school hallway for the first two periods, for coming late.  All my mallu-catholic teachers would shake their heads upon seeing me thus, muttering "lukk at your brudder and lukk at you!" (my bro was the quintessential good-boy in school, with neatly oiled+combed hair and studious looking large spectacles to boot).

Commerce college was a breeze.  Podar was at that time probably the most laid-back college in the city; attendance was almost never an issue.  Lectures used to start at 7:30am and generally end by 11am.  I used to reach college by around noon, to chillax in the canteen or on the katta, and head home by evening.  I remember i attended exactly 7 lectures in the whole of my final year...

During my MBA I suddenly got quite serious about life and felt resposible about my career.  I realised the importance of starting the day early, being on time, professional work ethic, etc.  But somehow, despite sincere best intentions, i still couldn't help being late quite often.  Thats when i finally realised...i'll never be able to change myself into a morning person ever.

And its not as if i sleep too much.  I sleep the same or probably lesser hours than the average guy.  As day turns into night, i become fresh and active.  Most of my exam preps have been through nights (used to be great to proudly proclaim to friends "kal maine night maara re").  All my creativity starts kicking in, in the wee hours.  I find that i can work better, think more clearly and generally enjoy myself more late at night.  Even now when i'm typing this, it is exactly 2:19am. 

And its not even as if i enjoy the typical night-life that most youngsters refer to!  I dont go to discs and i am really not a party animal.  I'd rather have a few drinks with close friends in a dingy bar.  But without a shred of doubt, things like conversations, jamming sessions, etc, really come alive post midnight, generously helped along by a few drinks. 

Even all by myself, somehow when everyone goes off to sleep i feel a different kind of peace.  I look across the room to see my wife and baby snoring away without a care in the world; its a beautiful sight...all is well with the world.  Then I feel a sudden thirst for the bitter and go rummaging for a can of my fav beer.  Some chakna needed....ok....there is some sev lying around.  The first few gulps dissolve any remaining anxieties and worries.  Now everything is clear.  I can focus, think, plan.  Even a movie would be more enjoyable now, 'cause this is MY time.  Maybe my parents constant exhortations to correct my cycle make these seem like stolen moments, turning them sweeter; i dont know.  And i dont care. 

I'll crash in a couple of hours or so.  Till then its all good.

My poor car...

My Honda City met with an accident in mumbai last week.  My cousin was driving; mom & dad were with him.  By Gods grace nobody got hurt.  While on the way to pune, at the chheda nagar signal a truck collided from the right. 

Luckily both vehicles were at very slow speeds, otherwise the result could have been very different.  Also, nobody was sitting on the rear right seat.  Mom was on the left.  All of us were left really shaken up by the incident though...

We keep reading about accidents in the newspapers but it always feels so distant.  Just another piece of the shit we are fed every day through all news media.  Its only when it happens to near and dear ones that makes one realize how vulnerable all of us really are.

I guess there's just too many people and too many vehicles out there.  This is bound to happen sometime!  Feel really sad for my car though.  She's a beauty (much better than the later versions of the City) and has been with my family and friends on countless trips.  Will make sure that she looks sexy again...

Safe driving, everyone!

Aching to break free

Boozy called to say that he had to work all through the national holiday on monday, when everybody else was at home with family and friends hogging on Diwali sweets.  Often in the past he has worked through Friday nights and weekends, struggling to keep up with deadlines.  That conversation got me thinking about the freakin insanity of the whole thing.  Doesn't the "work to live, not live to work" concept hold good anymore?  I have seen friends in equity sales, investment banking, or for that matter, in many arbit profiles, burning out by the minute.

In our whole distorted ordering of priorities, we end up giving such a ridiculous weightage to achieving (or holding on to) a fast track career, that we actually stop living.  We used to have so much fun in college, with little or no money in our pockets.  But then we walked on a programmed path towards becoming an engineer/doctor/CA/MBA/Businessperson and entered the rat race.  No, this is worse.  This is a shit race.  We are all turds in a fkin shit race, gettin flushed away so fast, without getting a chance to leave any kind of mark. 

Even just in my limited social sphere, i know so many young people who are unhappy with what they are doing.  I'm not talking about people generally cribbing or being greedy for more.  I'm talking about the unhappiness resulting from wanting to do something different.  Something more meaningful or fun, or something reflecting our innate nature and individuality.  And i'm talking about the kind of people who can never be at peace with the fact that they are working on a pre-designed job description in a pre-designed grade structure, and knowing that they can be effortlessly substituted by another dummy in a tie and a good shirt, who'll probably do the job as well, if not better.

I'm not in any way trying to suggest that a corporate job is bad.  If you have a job profile that you like and are getting paid to your satisfaction, it can be really great.  Promotions, bonuses, responsibilities, status....lots of good things to look forward to.

But if you are continuously unsatisfied and are pining to do something else, which will probably give you much more happiness and peace even if it is at a lower income, i hope you are lucky enough to have the courage to make that change.  I'm still working on tightening my balls enough to finally break free.  I want to give a shot at some long standing plans.  If they dont work out, i know i'll be able to pick up a job again, satisfied that atleast i tried.

And that situation need not be all bad.  For example, the place where i work is amazing.  Bosses are great (though you cant have the same bosses forever....who knows if there is gonna be a terrible one in the future), culture is nice, have some good friends amongst the colleagues, etc.  This is the kind of place where I can work for 20-30 years without being desperate to move.  But inspite of all that, for a long time now there has been a constant unhappiness lingering under the surface.  I know i have to try doing something on my own.  And i know i have to explore my creative side.  I just have to do it.  Its now or never.  There's a lot of clarity about that, but its still so damn difficult to take that final call....

Why are silly things like losing a year or having a gap in our CV so scary to us?  One of the things we are probably most afraid of is falling behind our batchmates and peers and being thought of as a laggard.  Fk it all.

This one is from the eyes of my friend boozy, and is for every person stuck and slogging it off in a deadbeat job...

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Aching to break free...

I get out of my home and

There's an eerie calm on the street
I head towards the station

Dragging my tired and aching feet

It feels so strange to climb

The railway bridge all alone
Noone pushes or gropes me

Or even tries to flick my phone

Even the train pullin in slowly

Has a lazy air around it
No need to hunt for a toehold

Its so unreal...there's place to sit

My heart is sinkin fast

As the office block gets closer
The security guy signing me in

Seems to whisper "what a loser!"

Project reports & Status reports

& data analysis spreadsheets
Deliverables & deadlines

Hammer down like drum beats

The dull glow from the monitor

Lights up my swollen eye sacs

The keyboard rests on the monster

That I've grown instead of 6-packs

I am utterly exhausted

And my poor back needs some healing

But all thats nothing compared to

This deap-seated unhappy feeling

My tired body and weary mind

Are screaming out a warning
Yet, what am i doing in office again

on a beautiful Sunday morning?

The only great thing today is

I dont have to stand in line
The coffe machine, the photocopier,

food counters & urinals are all mine

But I wonder where i'm heading to

Is this what i'd set out for?
The momentum has somehow built up so

Things dont make sense any more

Get an email from an old friend

Has some pics of the good ol' days
A guitar, drums, beer bottles,

Great buddies who've parted ways

I wanted to play guitar and to write..

I wanted to do something cool
Something to pour my soul in

But i'm sitting here like a fool

The empty feeling inside me

Is screaming out a warning
Yet, what am i doing in office again

on a beautiful Sunday morning?

- Vivek Rao

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All down...

Sniff sniff. Spent the last 2 days in bed with a bad case of cold and throat infection, accompanied by burning in the eyes, headache, etc etc. Thankfully no fever though. Wife was down with similar symptoms from saturday to monday, but improved today. Mom also had cold, cough and tummy ache, so even she's feeling pretty low. Dad was alright till today and was managing Choti all alone, but even he has developed cold today. Choti gave us a scare today by vomiting thrice, but is much much better now.... :-)

I've recovered 50% by now; throat seems better but nose is flowing at the rate booze usually flows at our parties...no takers though! hehehe Feeling really tired bec of the persistent cold, but am not complaining too much; have been through worse shit.

Eyes are tired, desparately need sleep but my full and flowing nose is making sleep impossible. Have to get up every few minutes. So thought i'll post my woes here, and then continue reading Othello.

On health and stress....

I went through a lot of bad shit, health wise, from Sept to Nov 2007. Was hospitalized 4 times in these 3 months, with extremely weird symptoms which scared the shit out of me and my family. Doctors couldn't figure out what it was, and hence they poked and probed most parts of my body and put me through a host of exotic tests, and they still couldn't figure it out. As specialists discussed and debated every new possibility that was thrown up, stuff like vit b12 deficiency, heart trouble, pulmonary embolism, neurological disorder etc, I couldn't help thinking what kind of future lay ahead for me, or whether there was gonna be a lengthy future at all..!

By Gods grace I pulled out of all that unharmed. When I was down I kept thinking about how I had abused my body with junk food and a pathetic lifestyle, and how I will turn a new leaf, so to say, when I recover. Turns out, its been almost one and a half years since, and I am still doing a lot of the same wrong shit which got me in the mess to begin with. I sure dont want another jhatka to help me come to my senses. In the coming months I'm gonna focus much more on moving towards a healthier lifestyle.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about all the superficial meaningless stuff that I spent so much time bothering about. 'High stress levels' was the one common point all docs seem to agree upon. It seemed so funny. I have a good life, really nothing to complain about. Fantastic family, great friends, decent earning, all comforts, etc etc. And yet I was stressed out. So if I already have all the things that really matter, what was I running after?

My bro told me I had lost all my joyfulness and playfulness that I had when I was younger. Somewhere down the line I had become too serious, too uptight, wound up, maybe even angry. I had convinced myself that I had a lot of responsibilities to shoulder and things to prove. And this was not unique. We see this so often amongst our friends and colleagues. Perhaps we're taking life too seriously. Far too seriously. Quasi and Rashmi helped me a lot in getting out of this mindset. I still have a long way to go, but I'm so visibly more relaxed and happy now. A lot has changed and I'm thankful to Q and R. I'm really having fun now!! :-)

Anyways, I wrote this in Oct 2007 during my lowest point mentally and physically, which is why it is kinda extra-cynical. :-) Just wanted to share the thought with you, though... All said and done, cant help feeling that sales is quite enjoyable, to a point, and a nice deal cracked does give a fantastic kick! :-)

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Confessions of a sales-guy....

Well this is gonna be quite an exercise
On whether i can still rhyme; or otherwise!

My rythms all rusted and wit unused
Creativity has just been a word abused

For i spend it all on client meetings
On instant smiles and beamed-out greetings

"Sir you really have a beautiful office!"
or "Our competition can never ever top this!"

I talk about a beautiful long-term relation
While trying not to work out the SIP calculation :-)

"Ha Ha! Sir that was a really good one!"
& "more benefits? why not! consider it done..."

Constant agreements and contrived pleasantries
Smile on the face; both eyes on the proc fees

We're selling to the clients & then selling to credit
We're selling to the boss, "look how i did it!"

Sitting at home, watching television
While the brains churning out a pipeline revision

Instead of pretty ladies with bodies perfected
My dreams are now full of all clients prospected

Amid songs of collateral values and ageing of debtors
I'm down on my knees proposing with sanction letters!

In this chasing of numbers, this whole wild rush
Am i forgetting myself a wee bit too much?

Chill out, old buddy! You've a long way to go!
Whats the point of a great act if you dont last the show???

So i'm gonna sit more often with my pen and my paper
And try to put together, a song or a caper

I've no idea whether i'll be able to write
But with some beer and some music, i just possibly might! :-)

- Vivek Rao

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First post....

After just a few years of procrastination, i finally get down to my first blog post....!! As often as my lazy arse will allow me to, I hope to accumulate here some random scribblings, abstract thoughts, and by freak chance maybe even a few piddle-drops of wisdom!! :-D

I've wanted to do this for long, and i'm happy to begin. Ganapati Bappa Morya!!

Luke warm beer...... It signifies a kind a pessimistic / sarcastic humour-tinged take on life. A tone similar to SSDD (same shit different day!). It also signifies the sobering effect of practical realities on perfect happiness.

Allow me to elaborate. When i was in college, my definition of heaven was pretty simple.....a steady supply of amazing, chilled beer, accompanied by hot pakora's or bhurji to hog on. But then i fkd up my throat and was confronted with an apalling choice; i had to quit beer or.....gasp!.....drink it at room temperature. So its been more than 7 years now that i'm drinking luke warm beer. Over the years it has actually stopped tasting like bottled urine and I get the same old wonderful feeling seeping through my body and soul when the first delicious mouthfuls get in.

But even though i've sort of made my peace with this luke warm beer, there are times when a waiter will look at me like i'm nuts, and shaking his head, fetch a sun-heated bottle from the window display. And then my eyes close, and like a streaker at a tennis game, that long smothered memory of an icy tingle on my tongue slips through the guards, and i say, what the fuck......