Sunday, November 14, 2010

The perfect girlfriend

Read another funny article in Times of India: Perfect girlfriend has a big sex drive!

Not very insightful, i thought at first.  Dont we all know that already?  In fact guys are like dogs in that matter.  Women need the right ambiance, mood and reason to have sex.  Men just need a partner, and then they are ready to go.  Anytime.  Any place.

But reading further i was really amused by the kind of things listed by the 3000 bachelors who were polled for the study. There are a lot of interesting contraditions like
- thin, but able to eat a big meal
- career minded, but should want to stay at home and raise kids
etc.  But the funniest thing is this whole study itself is a contradiction to how men are.

Women get really pissed upon reading stuff like this, but they should understand that men just fantasize about this kinda shit.  Usually they are more than willing to settle for anything female that puts out, but doesn't bark, neigh or moo.

(Women are really really choosy about their mates, but many of them often end up with such amazing samples amongst us males, that they end up wishing for something that could bark, neigh or moo.  C'est la vie...)

Coming back to the article, I dont agree with some of the polled results:
- ability to eat a big meal (guys, how does that matter?)
- be ready to go out in ten mins (let her take her time, she's decking up for you, and you get some quality tv time while waiting)
- long hair (have you ever read any story in playboy/penthouse focussing solely on the long hair???)
- pert bottom (shouldn't that be expanded to "well endowed, good figure")

Yeah, there is some good shit there too, but thats all okay for flings.  I usually advise more caution while marrying.  Thats long term committment.  I would look for additional stuff like:
- an awesome inheritance
- 3 slutty sisters (you'd ask why only 3, but i just dont wanna be greedy)
- super deep sleep (she shouldn't wake up even if i was jumping around in bed beside her, with/without someone)
- an absolutely innocent and trusting mind
- speciality in massage therapy
- interest in bedtime experimentation (sometimes even inviting one of the slutty sisters)
- cocktail mixing and chakna making skills

There, you have the recipe for a good, long lasting marriage.

Friday, November 12, 2010

9 more signs your partner wants a break up

I came across this article 5 signs your partner wants a break up and thought hey, this list could be endless!  So i sat and came up with these 9 signs for women that their boyfriend wants to breakup.  Please note that i've never had any boyfriends, nor have they ever broken off with me.

So ladies, you might get the hint that your boyfriend wants a break up when:

1. You wear a skimpy sexy outfit for him and he wants to play count the stretch marks

2. He spends an hour in the loo with his laptop and a hand cream, comes out with a satisfied smile on his face, and promptly goes off to sleep

3. He talks in graphic detail about the most satisfactory dump he just the middle of you seducing him

4. He takes you to bangkok for a business trip, plonks you in a hotel, disappears everyday and returns exhausted, smelling of different massage oils and soaps

5. You cuddle up and ask him what future he sees for them, and he immediately launches into a detailed analysis of The Terminator and The Matrix series

6. When you hint that you are ovulating, he promptly rents movies like The Omen, Problem Child, The Bad Seed, Kids, Carrie and The Other

Its definitely over when:

7. While on a vacation, he calls for room service and lovingly pats the male waiters rear while giving him a tip, muttering something like "hmmm...juicy!"

But you know you are in serious trouble when:

8. He tries to convince you into going deep sea diving with him, despite knowing that you cant swim, saying forty feet of water never hurt anyone


9. When he plans an ocean cruise with you and the next day you find a little black doll with your name written on it submerged in a jar of water hidden deep inside his closet

I'm sure you guys can contribute many more!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Shagged by a rare parrot

My friend Ashish sent me this video and i just had to put it up here.  Thanks boozy!

This is a true incident which happened on the BBC Television series "Last Chance to See".  Excerpts from the Wikipedia article on this:


Sirocco is a Kākāpō, a large nocturnal parrot, and one of the few remaining Kākāpō in the world. He achieved individual fame following an incident on the BBC television series Last Chance to See in which he attempted to mate with zoologist Mark Carwardine. Subsequent featuring of the incident on television channels around the world and onYouTube resulted in Sirocco becoming internationally known. 

In 2009, zoologist Mark Carwardine and television presenter Stephen Fry visited Codfish Island as part of a series for theLast Chance to See, focussing on endangered species around the world. While they were filming Sirocco, the bird hopped onto Carwardine's head and attempted to mate with him. The scene itself, and Fry's commentary "This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. You're being shagged by a rare parrot", proved an instant television hit, being featured on news items around the world.

A video of the incident was uploaded to YouTube, where it received more than 700,000 views in one week. A year on, more than 2 million people had viewed the clip. Sirocco's Facebook page and Twitter account, set up after the screening, instantly attracted thousands of followers.


The video is fantastic, a must see!

The thing that struck me as funniest in the video is the way the parrot was flapping his wings vigorously while doing it, smacking his mate really hard on both sides of the face in rhythm with his other actions.  Probably in the parrot world this might be romantic: yo ma hen *smack* who's your *smack* parrot-daddy now? *smack* c'mon say *smack* ma name *smack* baby say *smack* ma name *smack*!

I wonder how our women would take to this kind of treatment during sex.  They'll probably bobbittify us.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Hairy Plotter

A few days back i suddenly noticed something strange on my left arm.  One single hair had somehow grown longer than the others and was now approx 4 times the average length of its peer group.  I was instantly mesmerized.  Wow.

I started wondering about what could have made this dude get more nourishment than the other fellas surrounding it.  Was it simply a freak of nature?  Or had it effectively scared the others into passing on stuff?  Like how in prison the non-maggot-infested pieces of meat find their way to the don-in-residence?

It looked beautiful...dark silky smooth and halle berry.  But wait, it stood proudly erect, demanding a more masculine  Anyways, as i caressed him lovingly it struck me that surely there was money in this somewhere!  Wasn't this like a sign from heaven signalling that my hardships had come to an end?  I mean, with the right care, Iqbal (u can see i'm getting really attached here) could just go on growing to humongous proportions.  Surely the media would catch on at some time!  Isn't everything "viral" these days?

I could be on talk shows and advertisements!
I could charge to just flick it out (still talking about the hair) for a few seconds to an eager audience!
The Sardar community would felicitate me in a function where Hard Kaur would perform!
I could become the new brand ambassador for Parachute hair oil!
Maybe (hair) follicle would become the new f-word!
If i just let it hang out of my sleeve, it would be an instant chick magnet!

Maybe millions for the rights to a movie starring Hugh Jackman!  Yeah sure, the dimensions of his arm and mine are a little different, but hey, if Sameera Reddy can appear busty on screen....

But then a few worries hit me.  Would storage be a problem?  Would it flow on in a glorious straight line, or would it curl up on itself and resemble one giant pube?  Would it start turning grey like most of the hair on my head?

So i shampoo'd, conditioned, oiled and combed him thrice a day, and started practising my autograph.  But when i woke up today, he was gone.  I haven't even been able to find him anywhere on the bed.  Everything is looking so bleak now.  Its like a huge cavity has suddenly opened up inside me.  I stand in front of the mirror shirtless, looking at my now pathetic arm, wondering how i'll pick up the pieces.  But hey whats this?  Is the areola around my left nipple turning heart shaped???  Yes it is!  Fuckkin A!!!  Hollywood, here i come!

How snoring can be sexy

My brother is visiting for a few days for diwali, and it happens that i have been sleeping in the same room as him for the last couple of nights.  Now when he snores, its like a concrete drill going off beside your head.  I'm not kidding.  In fact all those construction people who find night time too peaceful for sleep after a hard day at the site, would sleep snugly in his embrace.

That by itself would be okay.  I'm sure i would be less affected by a monotonous sound after a while.  But bro's main feature is the sudden explosive snort he lets out every few minutes or so.  Maybe a little bit of air keeps getting trapped in his nostrils during every snore, creating a high pressure zone which then explodes at some tipping point.  I jumped up and wildly looked around the first few times this happened.  There were ripples in the water in my bedside glass, like in jurassic park...

But this is not what this post is all about.  The funny thing is what this did to my mind later in the night.

A large part of the first night i dreamt of being chased all around pune by a drunk rhinocerous.  Seriously.  He kept making this harsh drilling sound with his teeth and snorted hard whenever he almost managed to get me by the pants.  So basically my mind interpreted the surrounding night sounds and recreated the reasonably closest scenario it could remember from nature (or rather from all the hours of watching national geographic).  Now rhinos can be pardoned for making such sounds.  Having to run around pune's narrow lanes with that big ass....and if i had that thing growing on my nose, i'd snort a few times too!

But the next night was completely different.  I dreamt that i bumped into this skanky young woman at a pub, who for some reason wanted me bad.  We had some baked bean tacos and some beer and then headed home.  She opened her purse and showed me this giant naughty battery operated toy she carried around (which featured in that yash chopra flick 'dildo pagal hai') and i immediately understood this was gonna be a super night!

What happened after that is not relevant in this post.

So if i get it right, this time my brain had had time to adapt, pitied me, understood my need for some happy-time, and essentially converted this unfavorable sound stimuli loud vibrator pitching in for a threesome!  Now isn't that just awesome!  Screw dogs, i think the brain is mans best friend!!!

Some of you might think that the explosive snorts were probably explained by the result of all those baked beans....but i would appreciate if you old farts don't point that out to me.

Gotta go now, he is just about to sleep.  I have to be in dreamland by the time the water in my glass starts rippling.