Sunday, September 06, 2009

Morning Beep

Some time back, a friend of mine had got into a habit of forwarding heavy philosophical messages by shri shri ravi shankar. Now, i feel the last thing we need in our already stressed out life, is more serious stuff to read. Instead people should forward jokes, even sad pj's; anything that could bring a smile to the readers face. Anything to give a them tiny break in all the shit thats going on through their day.

So on a whim i started sending morning sms's to some of my closest friends. I titled each message "Morning Beep" and signed off as "shri shri vivek rao". It wasn't really planned or anything; just thought i'd send any crap that came to my mind as long as it was not serious. So i msgd stupid advice, exaggerated comparisons, sexist comments, etc etc, and soon was really enjoying the activity; every morning it occupied my mind while on my way to work, and gave release to some pent up creativity - with mixed results. Basically, i generally got to goof around a lot, writing arbit stuff!

Some of my friends started responding. People would come up and say stuff like "yesterdays was really nice yaar, but todays was crap!". On days when i didn't send a beep, i'd get messages and calls askin what the fuck was wrong with my lazy arse. I started feeling as if i was suddenly in touch with a lot of these buddies, all of whom are otherwise tied up with their own stuff. Really started looking forward to this morning exchange of messages.

And then one day one of my pals wrote back something nasty about these messages, and the resulting argument took away all the enthu. I guess i completely overreacted, as always. A few days later i got completely busy in shifting to pune. Later tried a couple of times to start messaging again, but somehow just couldn't get back to it. Feel really sad about that. It might have been a silly activity but i had fun while it lasted.

Give below are most of these beeps. You have to remember that these r not supposed to be read all bunched up together, but one in every couple of days or so, while squashed in a crowded train or bouncing around in a rick; perspective changes everything! :-)

"Morning beep: Everybody is short, on some dimension or the other, and the totals all add up to the same. Hence it is better to be tall on the inside than on the outside.
- shri shri vivek rao"
(my height - or lack of it - has always been a favorite topic for friends, and this was a comeback)

"Morning beep: The rains playing truant shows that even Gods can be mischevious. Have we become too serious in life? If u want to live long and healthy, awaken ur naughty self; pull down ur neighbours panties today.
- shri shri vivek rao"

"Morning beep: Troubled by teenage trends, parents are asking: is sex the answer to everything? They dont understand that sex is the question; Yes! is the answer. Be positive, always say yes.
- shri shri vivek rao"

"Morning beep: A bird in hand...can be quite detrimental while wanking. Do one thing at a time. Focus on the task at hand. Distractions of any kind may lead to inefficiency...or in this case, a badly pecked peepee.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Homosexuality is a complete win-win. If guys run after other guys, that leaves more girls for the rest of us. And if girls start falling in love with other girls, that creates Lesbians!!! (nothing is hotter than that, right?). Support same-sex jingbangs.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Care for animals. Stroke your monkey tonight.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: A friend of mine recently got circumcised. Now instead of a bunch of wrinkles, he sees a happy face grinning up at him a few times a day. Maybe thats what we all need in this stressful world; more happy faces around.
- ssvr"
(this is a true story)

My friend Bansi couldn't contain himself and responded:
"Morning pee - A sex maniac sees the best of everything in life. Be it lack of rains, homosexuality, teenage sex issues, problems in multi tasking, circumcision, lack of animal love & ofcourse having an inch where the world has a foot. Be a sex maniac, solve all your problems today.
- Baba Bansi Deo."

"Morning beep: A weird thing happened to me. Yesterday i woke up in mumbai, but today i woke up in pune. There's a very important lesson to be learned here, for life. If you travel, there's a good chance that you will wake up elsewhere.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Shakespeare sd, the worlds a stage & we r all actors. My dear frnd dd wud want to say, the world is 1 big market and we r all speculators. S'peare also sd, to do or not to do, that is the question. Dd eats and craps acc to his to-do list. Point being, even a middle-aged, gujju, stoke-market addict can have the makings of a bard in him. So dont judge people.
- ssvr"
(you have to really know dd to get this one...)

"Morning beep: Relations are so damn confusing in India. I mean, this is a country which preaches incest!! Millions of kids grow up saying 'all indians r my brothers & sisters' every day in school. Now which ones do we screw? And we r a bloody horny race. Now u know why raksha bandhan is so imp here. It is a 'pls dont do me, bro' appeal.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Its pouring hard & i'm in a rick, getting badly splashed on by passing bikes & cars. A year back i wud hav been so frustrated & angry as i'm on my way to a meeting. But strangely, now i'm able to laugh at this shit and have a good time! If u can change ur response u can change the situation itself.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Nuclear families shd take care while planning a 2nd kid. Having the 1st one in the bdroom is nt very good for sex! I guess either u have a quickie on the floor or rush home for an hour in the aftnoon when the kid is in daycare. Else u end up raising a severely disturbed child, who has witnessed too much...too soon.
- ssvr"

Bansi responded:
"Evening pee - Nuclear family, joint family with/without kids are only reasons to justify having or not having sex. It is scientifically proven that while women need ocassions to have sex, men just need a place. Let there be no further delay, explore your kitchen and bathroom today.
- Baba bansi deo"

"Morning beep: Women r power hungry animals. But God has made up for that by giving them very low intellect & grasping power. Hence, smart men shd giv their mate an illusion of power, (eg: by letting them buy the stupid pink curtains) while quietly running the show in the background. Yet, frm time to time butt-slap them hard to remind them who's their daddy.
- ssvr"
(got lots of responses for this one: enthu ones from guys, hate ones from gals!)

"Morning beep: Baba bansi deo is right, women cant be united. In fact women r most viciously cruel & vengeful with each other, while men can forget fights simply by drinking beer & burping together. Lesbians r just abberations created to give men something better to fantasize about (logic: 4 boobs r better than 2).
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: The key to true success lies in a loving, happy family. Targets, promotions, job profiles, pay hikes, are all secondary. Please dont let anyone convince u otherwise.
- ssvr"
(i broke my own rule about not allowing serious stuff)

"Morning beep: Rickshaw wala's in any city:
1. like to live on the edge
2. want to play racing racing with other rickshaw's
3. have a physical inability of spotting potholes and speed bumps in time
4. seem to have tie ups with spondylitis clinics on a pay-per-damaged-vertebra basis
Smoke & drink but dont rick-it if u want to live longer.
- ssvr"
(its true; i have cervical spondylitis and rickshaw rides negate every medicine i take)

"Morning beep: The true measure of a mans worth is his beer-belly. The more rounded, bouncy and jiggly his belly, the more loving, warm, honest, caring, good natured, good humoured and wise he is bound to be. Man-breasts are a bonus, a sure sign of a virile and exciting partner. Women shd avoid guys with flat abs as they r vile, dishonest bastrds...and probably impotent.
- ssvr"
(i'm proud of my curves!)

"Morning beep:
It is a beautiful day, Well i have nothing to say
And it is my belief, I hear a sigh of relief
For no stupid word play, Will invade ur senses today
But dont look too happy, Or i'll send smthing crappy!
So lets just keep it this way, For every beautiful day.
- @$vr"
(had written this immediately after that argument with my friend; had decided then that there'll be no more)

"Morning beep: Life is full of change & thats a fact. Change can be quite tough to handle (with all the moving cheese etc). Resist, & u might push away the very change u needed in life. So just embrace it with open heart, but keep spending some on cigarettes & mint, or it'll fatten ur wallet & become a pain in (half) ur arse.
- ssvr"
(this one was a complete failure as most people thought i was writing about actual change management)

"Morning honk: All women marrying BEST drivers...end up with bigger left boobs.
- ssvr"
(hehehe...felt like taking a survey in the BEST colony after sending this one)

"Morning beep: I've always heard of stuff like 'brain is mightier than brawn' or 'the pen is mightier than the sword'. Who would have thought that pigs would be the mightiest of all... Come to think of it, men might have reached the moon, but swine flew.
- ssvr"
(this was just after i shifted to pune and the whole swine flu scare started; the use of 'flew' for 'flu' was borrowed from a fwd)

"Morning beep: If ur rickshaw wala today: agreed to go where u wanted, took u there with only a few minor shaves with death, and (gasp!) asked only for the metered amount, give him a kiss from me. Such nice fellows dont exist in pune.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: If u think life really sucks, imagine u are getting the blow of a lifetime and say YIPPEE!
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Beer and boobies...the only proof we'll every need that God exists.
- ssvr"

"Morning beep: Why is it so tiring to make new friends when u r all grown up? Was so easy when we were kids. School friendships r probably the strongest bec they r the most innocent. At work its all abt give & take, positioning & politics. And if u r lucky enough to find genuine frnds at work, u'll fkin probably get transferred somewhere else. Life....
- ssvr"
(was really missing my mumbai office gang)

And that was the end of the morning beeps.

This has already been a frikkin long post; i wish i could also put up all the amazing, and often witty, responses i got.


Rashmi said...

The effect is gone while reading them at one shot .. it was more fun reading it on the mobile.. i think u shud start BEEPing again ,, if possible .. :-)

Anonymous said...

Ummm, you can put up all the repsonses you got. Make that your next post. Then let ppl match the response with the beep. Am sure most will not be able to, even if it's their own response.

Like Rashmi said, have 'em all there makes one want to read 'em all in one go. But then the effect is gone. Like having one drink too many. All I'm looking for is a nice buzz. Don't want to get sloshed.

Get started on the beeps again!

Unknown said...

This is a real good stuff. I enjoyed going through it. Are you not sending these anymore ??

me said...

i had almost same habit , but i use to send night beeps, and that too a nasty jokes! do u remember?

Aicha said...

Miss the morning beeps!!!