Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Hairy Plotter

A few days back i suddenly noticed something strange on my left arm.  One single hair had somehow grown longer than the others and was now approx 4 times the average length of its peer group.  I was instantly mesmerized.  Wow.

I started wondering about what could have made this dude get more nourishment than the other fellas surrounding it.  Was it simply a freak of nature?  Or had it effectively scared the others into passing on stuff?  Like how in prison the non-maggot-infested pieces of meat find their way to the don-in-residence?

It looked beautiful...dark silky smooth and slender...like halle berry.  But wait, it stood proudly erect, demanding a more masculine comparison...so...Oprah?  Anyways, as i caressed him lovingly it struck me that surely there was money in this somewhere!  Wasn't this like a sign from heaven signalling that my hardships had come to an end?  I mean, with the right care, Iqbal (u can see i'm getting really attached here) could just go on growing to humongous proportions.  Surely the media would catch on at some time!  Isn't everything "viral" these days?

I could be on talk shows and advertisements!
I could charge to just flick it out (still talking about the hair) for a few seconds to an eager audience!
The Sardar community would felicitate me in a function where Hard Kaur would perform!
I could become the new brand ambassador for Parachute hair oil!
Maybe (hair) follicle would become the new f-word!
If i just let it hang out of my sleeve, it would be an instant chick magnet!

Maybe millions for the rights to a movie starring Hugh Jackman!  Yeah sure, the dimensions of his arm and mine are a little different, but hey, if Sameera Reddy can appear busty on screen....

But then a few worries hit me.  Would storage be a problem?  Would it flow on in a glorious straight line, or would it curl up on itself and resemble one giant pube?  Would it start turning grey like most of the hair on my head?

So i shampoo'd, conditioned, oiled and combed him thrice a day, and started practising my autograph.  But when i woke up today, he was gone.  I haven't even been able to find him anywhere on the bed.  Everything is looking so bleak now.  Its like a huge cavity has suddenly opened up inside me.  I stand in front of the mirror shirtless, looking at my now pathetic arm, wondering how i'll pick up the pieces.  But hey whats this?  Is the areola around my left nipple turning heart shaped???  Yes it is!  Fuckkin A!!!  Hollywood, here i come!


Ashish said...

This post is disturbing on so many levels. And my mistake for reading it just before I go to bed. Now I have mental images of you stroking Iqbal. The hair too.

With this, I also am 100% sure you are smoking up these nights.

What you need is a stiff drink and a razor. Not at the same time, just to be clear.

PS: Which Hollywood star gets the honor of being your stunt (read: chest) double? ;-)

quasibaba said...

oh my my ... look what quitting a paying job does to a round man .. and all this being sober. does he even need LSD ? or even the alcohol ? In comparison to this my caressing the long hair just-in-reach on my right shoulder blade looks faded.

Vivek Rao said...

@ boozy: firstly its not chest double, it is nipple double; i dont do the whole area.

And the lucky start is Guy Ritchie. I have inside news that his wife Madonna wants something different on his body else she's gonna stop sleeping with other girls in front of him.

So i'm just preparing a portfolio to send to him...but then i think, maybe Madonna wants the heart shaped nip for herself..?

Vivek Rao said...

@ Q: You dont have any long hair!
dont say you have any long hair...you're just trying to steal my fame...you want it all for yourself....all the ad shoots and crazy screaming hysteric hot semi clad fans......you are nothing...you are just an ordinary haired ordinary nippled guy...YOU HEAR ME!!!!!!!

fuck where's my joint...@#$%%^!!!

Vivek Rao said...

shit i think i'm going bonkers!


quasibaba said...

think how much fun dagdu will have when she discovers your blog .. hehehe

jelly andrews said...

Oh my! You are really funny. And that’s not so unique. I have seen that many times before. And actually I have that too. But I always cut it because it’s disturbing.