Pune ahoy!

A couple of months back and completely out of the blue, came instructions from my bosses that I was being transferred to pune to acquire SME clients in pune, nasik and aurangabad. Logically it seemed like an okay thing to do (not that I had much choice in the matter) and hence we packed up all our stuff and shipped our arses to the city of two-wheelers.

We've been here for almost four weeks now, and I'm missing mumbai sorely. Everything seems different here, alien in some way. Thats quite surprising since its not as if its in a different part of the country where there would be a cultural shift. Pune is a fking 4 hour drive from mumbai, and i'm anyways no stranger to this place at all. All through my childhood I've spent a decent chunk of my holidays here visiting an odd assortment of uncles and aunts and cousins. And then over the last few years, there've been these numerous visits to my in-laws, especially during the time that my wife was expecting. I guess we react quite differently to places when we are just visiting. Was suddenly reminded of an old song, one of my favourites from Sting:

I dont take coffee I take tea my dear
I like my toast done on one side
And you can hear it in my accent when I talk
I'm an englishman in new york

See me walking down fifth avenue
A walking cane here at my side
I take it everywhere I walk
I'm an englishman in new york

I'm an alien I'm a legal alien
I'm an englishman in new york


Over the last few days as it has slowly started to sink in that I've actually left mumbai, the city of my life, and come here for a few years (hopefully not more), i've begun to compare everything. Mostly i'm amused at the idiosyncrasies here, and try not to get irritated. Let me just list some funny stuff:

- the locals here are bloody rude most of the time

- a huge proportion of restaurants and shops open after 10:30 am

- many shops still shut down for a few hours in the afternoon

- shopping malls start their air conditioning only during evenings on weekdays and a few extra hours on weekends; the staff greet you with glistening faces and clothes sticking to their bodies, but you dont notice as you start feeling suffocated within 15 mins...

- there are no taxies anywhere

- the rickshawala's will always always always ask for extra money

- in many parts of the city there is no concept of home delivery

- the famous "puneri patya" - oversmart, arrogant and hilarious - are everywhere

- bikers remain in the leftmost lane till the last minute for a right u-turn and vice versa

- people comfortably drive on the wrong side of a crowded road if its convenient for them

- every few meters at every possible intersection and break in the divider vehicles from all directions converge to reduce average speeds to sub-20 kmph and create one of the most inefficient traffic scenes in this side of the world

- maids, shop keepers, rickshawala's, drivers, etc, glare (and sometimes shout) at you when asked to do a little bit extra; they will coolly let go of opportunities to earn something extra if it: interferes with their chillax time / they are not in the mood / the way you ask them touches their over-sensitive ego / you appear shocked at their exorbitant quote / etc etc.....

- it is very common to see a girl in the drivers seat of a 2 wheeler with the guy sitting pillion

- it is also very common (and very very disturbing) to see large-sized, rough-looking bearded men riding a scooty or an activa

- the girls all ride with 95% of their faces covered with scarves or dupattas so that a hyper-mumbaikar like me constantly expects one of them to whip out an AK47 from an innocent looking purse

- thrice i have seen a biker stop IN THE MIDDLE LANE of a busy road to answer his mobile and then slowly, taking his own sweet time move to the side while yakking away, head tilted 90 degrees to hold the phone

Shit, what a list! Proved again that I crib a lot. :-) But all said and done, the weather is really good here. A pleasant break from the hot and humid mumbai; and since i dont exercise at all, my sweat-pores are really on a break. The girls are quite pretty too, especially the konkanastha brahmin babes (shivaji park types). Also seems like their dressing sense has improved by miles from what i remember; spotted a few bare shoulders and belly buttons; not much of arse-cleavage though, i guess low waist jeans are yet only to be seen at Mithibai, HR, Xaviers and the like.

And its a more relaxed city, perhaps just what i need. Take time out to see the birds and sniff the flowers and shit like that, you know... Other guys who've shifted from mumbai to pune say that the initial comparisons are akin to withdrawal symptoms, and that once i've been here for a year, it will be almost impossible to go back.

Fuck.

Rain....

....And so the rains arrive. Here's to 3 months of sludge and grime, wet undies and squelchy socks, hot coffee with pakoras or neat pegs of lovely dark rum. 3 months of irritating, but hopelessly romantic weather....

I had msgd the above text to my friends last June after the first showers of that year. Today, a desperate mumbai got teasingly wet after a maddening summer, and i felt like saying those words all over again.

This season has always been special to me and my bro. There is something about this time that somehow manages to heighten every mood and bring back seemingly forgotten memories. At times, watching the rain from my window, i have moved from exuberance to melancholy in a matter of hours! Men are generally not used to such mood swings....at any time of the month. :-D

After i broke off with my first girlfriend, the loneliness used to hit me hardest during the rains. And then when i fell in love again, these times would be the dreamiest. I have no doubt that the rains bring out the romantic in everyone. It is amazing to see the increased number of couples lined up at marine drive, worli seaface, bandstand, bandra reclamation, etc, taking advantage of these rare oases of privacy and laying the foundations for our continuing population explosion.

The rainy season is at its worst when you have to travel to work in complete formal attire while it is pouring cats and dogs. Its a miserable bunch of people in every office on such days. But the same showers seem wonderful on weekends and on days declared holidays due to flooded train lines! There is lots of amazing stuff to do:
- Playing soccer in ankle deep muck (great fun!)
- Cuddling up with someone special (my dear friend Vaibhav, a compulsive cuddler, is at his prime in these times, says his wife)
- Getting cozy in a warm blanket with a steaming cup of coffee and a juicy novel (i used to do this with my bro when we were kids; purely platonic, i must add)
- Long drinking sessions with close buddies (best times)
- Rainy treks in the Sahyadris
etc etc

I've trekked a lot in the rains, in my slimmer days, to places like Peth, Lohagad, Mahuli, Rajmachi, Peb, Bhimashankar, to name just a few. I remember my first trek like it was yesterday. A few of us had joined the St.Xaviers trekking club on a June weekend for a trek to Mahuli, one of the most gruelling one-day treks possible. I had just finished school and was due to start college in a few days. I had zero experience with girls, and the only skin i'd seen was on cheap x-rated video cassettes where we had to struggle to make out the guys from the gals. And then came Mahuli.

There must have been around 120 people on the trek, half of them females. Most of those were decidedly generous, wearing just shorts and white shirts for a bloody monsoon trek. It is impossible to find words for my emotions at the time when the first rains hit that crowd at 5:30 in the morning. My eyes, deprived from the basic necessities for years, couldn't believe the sight of a sea of glistening bra's and thighs. The rest of the trek went by in a delicious daze, probably quite akin to a cocaine hit. God bless all of those ladies.

Anyways, enough said! I wish all who have bothered to read this far, a great rainy season ahead. I pray you dont have to wade through floating turds or get splashed by a passing rickshaw, on your way to office.

Desire, by the starlight...

A short story

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She lay stretched out on the sand, gazing up at the starry sky. The moon was nowhere to be seen that night and the enveloping darkness seemed like such a blessing. She enjoyed being half submerged in the water, feeling the grainy coarseness of the sand beneath as well as the soft caresses of tiny waves all around.

Somewhere behind her and beyond the small hillock lay fast asleep the village of Ambawadi, and somewhere within the town was Sada, probably knocked out halfway through his second bottle of country liquor in some dingy corner. Men...she sighed. She knew Sada cared for her. He lovingly called her Ipsita, meaning Desire. But she had traveled far and wide with him for the last eight days at a stretch, and all she wanted now was some peaceful solitude to rest her weary self.

A soft warm breeze was kissing the parts of her body that were out of the water. She sighed again, suddenly felt needy in a way she hadn't felt before. And then she heard the sound. Someone was approaching, moving slowly through the water. She lay absolutely still as he came really near. In the feeble starlight all she could make out was his dark, big outline.

Minutes passed as he settled in the shallow waters beside her. He seemed to be waiting, hesitating. Twice he moved towards her tentatively, as if expecting her to draw away, but then he rolled back again, unsure. And then he eased towards her till their bodies touched, side-by-side. She tilted towards him in encouragement. Their bodies grew closer together and she felt his limbs wrap her body in a sensuous embrace.

They lay like that for a long time, holding on, bodies rubbing against each other. It felt wonderful, unlike anything she had experienced before. She wondered why she felt so comforted in the arms of a total stranger. Did it feel right because it was so wrong? Her thoughts drifted to Sada, who used her often but had never given her this kind of pleasure. She sighed again and nestled as close to him as possible, feeling his roughness against her smooth surfaces.

A few hours went by in total bliss. Then slowly the darkness began to lift, and so did the tide. It would be daybreak soon. As the water began to inch upwards, he started moving. Their bodies rubbed together faster, harder. She heard his groans as he beat against her repeatedly. Froth formed amongst the waves as they broke over their struggling bodies. And then, with a final climaxing wrench, he disentangled his limbs from her and was gone.

The first rays of the sun lit her world. She wanted to laugh out aloud, but couldn't. She could still feel the remnants of his touch and somehow knew that he had taken away a bit of her identity with him. As the tide flowed in fast, she felt all her weariness slip away, and her body and spirit floated and danced with the waves.

Sada rubbed his heavy head as he clambered over the hillock looking for Ipsita. It was time for them to be on their way, and he cursed the hangover under his breath as he labored under the heavy bundle of net and bait. But as always, his face brightened when he saw her. He followed the rope out into the knee high water and was about to tip his load in when he saw the damage and gasped. Her insides were littered with soggy leaves, twigs, pieces of bark and sand. Her paint had been severely scratched and chipped all along her side. She looked ragged, but yet funny, as she bobbed along merrily with the first ' I ' missing out of the Ipsita painted along her bow.

With tired eyes he looked around trying to spot a possible cause or culprit. He looked at the narrow strip of sand, the rocks and hillock beyond, a few other boats tied up at a distance, the line of palm trees towards the north and the dense clump of mangroves in the south. And then he looked out onto the water and spotted the gnarled old mango tree floating away in the distance. Its dying branches were outstretched exuberantly towards the sky, as if on some final mysterious high...

- Vivek Rao

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Scrambled: Quasi

These are the various moods of Abhijit Rao aka Quasi aka Q aka Gadget Boy aka DaRao aka SPM Singh (only his school friends will get the last one)....

Q is a software dude of the highest order, a brilliant photographer, an absolute geek and probably the laziest, slobbiest, arse i've ever seen (not that i've actually seen his arse, mind you).

At the age of 12 he wrote his first porn story, built a flashing LED display on his bulky spectacles (through which he peered from below neatly oiled and combed good-boy hair), and fell in love (along with most of his friends) with the prettiest girl on campus.

He has a tendency to spend long hours in the loo (perplexing, since his regular twice-a-day "fun feature" usually lasts all of 30 seconds - self admittedly), longer hours in front of the computer and any remaining time stretched out flat on his back, snoring his nose-hair off.

Atleast that was the case till the end of his college years. For the last 4 or 5 years you could find him at all odd hours at the Ruia naka, mingling with guys and chicks half his age (and managing to cross a few bases with some of them! - both sexes). He also developed a major travel bug, and has burned rubber extensively, earlier in my Maruti 800 and his Maruti Esteem, and more recently in my Honda City and his Mahindra 4x4 open Jeep. His writings and photos, including those from his travels, can be seen on his blog and his flickr account. Quite a lot of it is really good stuff.

His geekiness has matured considerably from blowing nose bubbles during school, to accumulating a collection of gadgets that most commerce ch*ts like myself can barely even operate. His stash includes.....

-- many cameras, camera bags, lenses, filters, tripods, related arbit attachments and gizmos

-- more than a dozen torches of various sizes, shapes, twists, makes and strengths (all expensive, mind you),

-- more than a couple of dozen knives of various sizes and attachments

-- a walking stick complete with sliding rods, buttons, special pressure surfaces and grips (somehow serves the same purpose as my grandpa's simple wooden stick)

-- titanium spoon and fork

-- donald duck pen that actually quacks

-- fisher space pen (the kind thats actually used in space; note: Paul C Fisher developed the pressurized refill for NASA in 1965. The combination of tungsten carbide ball point & thixotropic ink in a hermetically sealed cartridge pressurized at nearly 35 pounds per sq. inch allows it to write in freezing cold, boiling heat, underwater and at any angle - even upside down!; reminds me of the age old "american jet propelled pen v/s russian pencil" joke)

-- mustard coloured floaters (brilliant thing about these is they totally fool you; you'd guess they cost around 400 bucks while they actually cost 4000!)

-- water bottle with built-in infra-red gadged to kill germs

....and many many more, believe me!

He has 2 major regrets in life: one is that for the last 4 years he has had a male wife (who is most probably going "sheee, flop!!" while reading this (sorry percy!)). The other is his phone voice; his carefully cultivated ranti looks are ofttimes jeopardised when he answers the phone and friends ask, "aunty, is abhijit there?" :-D

Most would agree that he can be quite a pain sometimes (quasi in an argumentative mood and a charging rhino are equally dangerous), but somewhere below the layers of body hair and grime, he's a really great guy! He has helped me get out of some pretty bad spots and has generally been there whenever i've really needed him. Quasi - my elder brother and one of my best-est friends. :-)

Beat the heat.....doggy style!!

This dude seems to be able to cool off by airing his..er..stuff. Now, dont all of us wanna be able to do that?? :-D


And this dude has found a cool puddle of muck (yuck!) in the shade of a TATA 1613 to wallow in...

Its getting so freaking hot outside!! And people still think global warming is some distant phenomenon that doesn't affect us directly. I remember, during school days, winters used to be pretty cool even in mumbai. Now we hardly realise when winter comes and goes by, but summer...well thats another story.

I wont be surprised if hens start laying boiled eggs soon. he he he! that sounds funny. So when we sit down to drink, we just need to park a hen in the middle, dab some salt and pepper to her underside, and viola! good chakna will be just a cluck or two away! :-D

Crazy lines

During a boring lecture (predictably!) during my second year at JBIMS, I was feeling particularly edgy, was doodling on the last page of my notebook, and so I tried an experiment. I just penned a rhyme, letting the words flow without any pause for reflection, just letting my absolutely random thoughts spill over. This took less than 2 mins to write. Totally weird stuff!

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Heat and Cold

Whatever we know till today
Is something no one will ever say

But truth is a strange game, do you
Prefer the truth till your face is blue?

Can conscience play a gentler role?
Or can you ignore it, you troubled soul?

Because tomorrow your perspective
Can be twisted and turned into something new

Then above the mountains things will change
This world is not beautiful, but strange

So gallop on, your minds horses may
They will never ever escape the day

Forever they lie bound and trapped beneath
My shallow dreams and my grinding teeth

Whatever we know till today
Is part of a bargain street-side play

- Vivek Rao

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he he he he he

Viral..!

Have been down with a viral infection since yesterday. Bad body ache and fever....what a waste of a weekend. This thing seems to have spread quite widely this time. Lots of people in office are either suffering from it or are talking about their family members being down with flu symptoms.

Took the opportunity of being confined to bed to complete Season 1 of Prison Break, courtesy Surve (who was kind enough to download it; and who is down with a 103 fever btw...). Prison Break is highly recommended to anybody who hasn't seen it yet. It is bloody fantastic! Its like a good thriller movie, only that it is about 16 hours long (across 22 episodes). Good shit, as Bidrya would say.

2 chicks in Season 1; both immensely likeable! :-)

Time....

One of my all time favorite songs. These lyrics really really hit me. Floyd rules. No doubt about it.

Time
(Mason, Waters, Wright, Gilmour) 7:06

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.....

On health and stress....

I went through a lot of bad shit, health wise, from Sept to Nov 2007. Was hospitalized 4 times in these 3 months, with extremely weird symptoms which scared the shit out of me and my family. Doctors couldn't figure out what it was, and hence they poked and probed most parts of my body and put me through a host of exotic tests, and they still couldn't figure it out. As specialists discussed and debated every new possibility that was thrown up, stuff like vit b12 deficiency, heart trouble, pulmonary embolism, neurological disorder etc, I couldn't help thinking what kind of future lay ahead for me, or whether there was gonna be a lengthy future at all..!

By Gods grace I pulled out of all that unharmed. When I was down I kept thinking about how I had abused my body with junk food and a pathetic lifestyle, and how I will turn a new leaf, so to say, when I recover. Turns out, its been almost one and a half years since, and I am still doing a lot of the same wrong shit which got me in the mess to begin with. I sure dont want another jhatka to help me come to my senses. In the coming months I'm gonna focus much more on moving towards a healthier lifestyle.

I also spent a lot of time thinking about all the superficial meaningless stuff that I spent so much time bothering about. 'High stress levels' was the one common point all docs seem to agree upon. It seemed so funny. I have a good life, really nothing to complain about. Fantastic family, great friends, decent earning, all comforts, etc etc. And yet I was stressed out. So if I already have all the things that really matter, what was I running after?

My bro told me I had lost all my joyfulness and playfulness that I had when I was younger. Somewhere down the line I had become too serious, too uptight, wound up, maybe even angry. I had convinced myself that I had a lot of responsibilities to shoulder and things to prove. And this was not unique. We see this so often amongst our friends and colleagues. Perhaps we're taking life too seriously. Far too seriously. Quasi and Rashmi helped me a lot in getting out of this mindset. I still have a long way to go, but I'm so visibly more relaxed and happy now. A lot has changed and I'm thankful to Q and R. I'm really having fun now!! :-)

Anyways, I wrote this in Oct 2007 during my lowest point mentally and physically, which is why it is kinda extra-cynical. :-) Just wanted to share the thought with you, though... All said and done, cant help feeling that sales is quite enjoyable, to a point, and a nice deal cracked does give a fantastic kick! :-)

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Confessions of a sales-guy....

Well this is gonna be quite an exercise
On whether i can still rhyme; or otherwise!

My rythms all rusted and wit unused
Creativity has just been a word abused

For i spend it all on client meetings
On instant smiles and beamed-out greetings

"Sir you really have a beautiful office!"
or "Our competition can never ever top this!"

I talk about a beautiful long-term relation
While trying not to work out the SIP calculation :-)

"Ha Ha! Sir that was a really good one!"
& "more benefits? why not! consider it done..."

Constant agreements and contrived pleasantries
Smile on the face; both eyes on the proc fees

We're selling to the clients & then selling to credit
We're selling to the boss, "look how i did it!"

Sitting at home, watching television
While the brains churning out a pipeline revision

Instead of pretty ladies with bodies perfected
My dreams are now full of all clients prospected

Amid songs of collateral values and ageing of debtors
I'm down on my knees proposing with sanction letters!

In this chasing of numbers, this whole wild rush
Am i forgetting myself a wee bit too much?

Chill out, old buddy! You've a long way to go!
Whats the point of a great act if you dont last the show???

So i'm gonna sit more often with my pen and my paper
And try to put together, a song or a caper

I've no idea whether i'll be able to write
But with some beer and some music, i just possibly might! :-)

- Vivek Rao

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Oh, glorious weekend....

Its a beautiful saturday afternoon. I've planted my lasy arse in our most comfortable armchair, and its been there for a couple of hours now. This is what i love about saturdays. They seem to stretch on.... Knowing that even tomorrow is a holiday is such an lovely feeling!! You know there are hours and hours to go before you have to don the stupid formals and tie again, and you can actually begin to unwind.

I always seem to get monday blues from sunday afternoon onwards. Sundays are bloody deceitful. They promise a full 24 hours, but seem to vanish in something like 12! And then desperately attempting to enjoy the last few hours of an ever dwindling weekend are hardly conducive to chillaxing.... :-)

I try not to let saturdays be productive in any way. It is near sacrilege to list up chores and tasks to finish when you can actually stretch out in a cool spot for hours and try to out-stare a friendly gecko on the ceiling. Then there are movies to watch (400 GB's of good movies waiting on my hard drive), and reading to catch up on.

Just started reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, but my eyes keep returning to The Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami on my bookshelf, that Ubaid has heartily recommended. Have been thinking of reading that one for some time now.

Anyone looking for some soft, soul reading must try Stretching Lessons by Sue Bender. Its an amazing book that really speaks to you. Its a book to read slowly, and contemplate upon. Come to think of it, the last 3 books i've read were slow ones; its time i pick up something fast and exciting. Maybe Haruki will have to wait a while. I've read just the first book of the Bourne series (i know, i know, thats shameful), and perhaps The Bourne Supremacy will be perfect, once i'm done with The Secret.

Well, i've typed for 15 minutes now, and thats the max exertion i'm planning for today. It is time for my weekend afternoon can of Kingfisher, and then some sleep. Adios amigos!